“I will beat her. I will train harder. I will eat cleaner. I know her weaknesses and her strengths. She is going down. I know her well.
She is the OLD me.
That was my phone screen, my daily reminder, the first motivational quote my coach sent me….12 weeks ago.
I beat her.
For the first time in 43 years, I won the battle over my mind.
The dress in the picture below is so symbolic for me. It’s A petite XL. Kind of ironic, I’d say. It’s measurements are equal to a size 14/16.
Now, I never really used to get hung up on a size. It’s just a number, I thought. Until it was me. You see, I’m down to a size 6, almost 4. And what I have “gained” in the loss of weight is more valuable than anything I have ever learned…and I truly mean that. Ever. I am becoming self aware.
In an effort to take control of my mind for a BAG(Big Audacious Goal) I have, my coach and I decided this would be step 1. We needed to take control of my thoughts, so my body can do what I want it to.
I went on a 90 day “diet” last year, so this second round should be a piece of cake. Well, I thought wrong. But, one weak moment in week 9, there was a piece of cake..an amazingly moist marble piece. I devoured it, brushed myself off(crawled to my coach to confess) and kept on going.
This last nutritional journey was a rough one. My trainer, husband, close friends and children can attest. I was a bear for about 30 days, while my body withdrew from carbs, sugars and mostly from dependency. I never realized how emotional my eating habits were!
Bad day at work=Chinese food. Happy= “Let’s go have a beer!” Sad,excited,tired, envious,any other emotion known to man=SUGAR!!!!!!!
Now, try to imagine living life, with all of those emotions, and for the first time in 43 years, being stripped of your security blankets and forced into feeling these things. I mean, really feeling them. Sitting with my water bottle and gum and feeling sadness, happiness and fear. Kind of cool, actually. Especially the first time I acknowledged what was happening.
I have learned self discipline, self worth, and have opened(and closed)some interesting wounds from my childhood as well, some I didn’t even know still existed. One of the most interesting parts of the journey was when I started acting cold and actually feeling anger towards my coach. I was hungry, dammit. Why wouldn’t he just let me eat what I want? I thought he wanted what was “best” for me?
We had an interesting phone conversation one afternoon. I told him I wanted to QUIT. This is too damn hard. He said,”You told me to never let you quit, so you’re not going to”. I went on to say I could do whatever I wanted…I sounded like an 11 year old girl, really. And at that moment, I was. I remembered my Dad and how there wasn’t any food at home. I remembered the ache in my belly. I told my coach I didn’t like feeling uncomfortable. I realized that I lived a very comfortable life and I wanted it back. He reminded me of my WHY and all of the success I had to date. But I wanted to eat what I want, when I wanted…..and then we talked psychology and what the need for these foods really meant.
And then I remembered my WHY.
This time, I was restricting my intake for growth and taking control back of me. In opening up, I felt an old familiar emotion. Hunger, coupled with Anger. You see, as a child, I was hungry a lot. And….dry spaghetti noodles don’t often do the trick, just as the shakes don’t. You are starving. And I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t know that I have actually been truly hungry in many, many years.
I was so angry at my coach for not “taking care of me”, but he actually was. He was doing the exact thing I had hired him to do…..help me take control of my thoughts, so they can longer control me. I finally realized my block was the fact that I had not let go of some childhood fears and once that happened, I was in control and on my way.
I was reminded that I’m not the scared, 11 year old girl anymore. I am a grown woman with total control and I am CHOOSING this, it’s not being forced upon me.
Once I changed my PERCEPTION of things, it all became so much easier.
There isn’t enough time in a day to share all that I have learned from this journey. But, I know I have changed. I feel it inside. It’s like the seed that’s planted quietly in the late spring. It absorbs the rain humbly, warms itself with the sunshine and then , POOF…it blooms! It hasn’t bragged of it’s blossoms, because only that tiny seed knows all it has overcome to see the light. It has been a silent fight in the darkness and a strength that comes from within. And, in that overcoming, glorious changes have occurred.
I have grown, shed years of baggage, shed old beliefs, shed fears that were holding me back. And my new pants size now reflects that release. And that is WHY I began 12 weeks ago.
I want to thank my coach, Dave, my husband, my children, my family and close friends for their support, patience and belief in me. I couldn’t have done it without them.
I needed to do this in order to move forward with my purpose in life; what I was brought here for. I challenged myself and remodeled my interior. And in doing so, the exterior now shines.
I am more ME today than I have ever been and I cannot wait to see where the next chapter will take me!
Stay tuned, friends…..I’m just getting started!
We did it (Dave, Brian, fam and friends)….first we renovated, now we will RISE.
“If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies 🦋 ”