When I was a little girl, I would always try to be “better”.
“Better”,meaning….stronger, faster, smarter, more resilient….a “new” me at the beginning of each week. I didn’t like the heaviness of home and life around me. I wanted more light. More love. Less darkness.
Until recently, I never really knew WHAT I had been trying to do.
I was Growing.
Now, I’m not talking in height or in age, but legitimately Growing….changing, emerging, evolving. Fighting through the “dirt” to be the best me. He was putting me through challenges to build my soul up. Life truly wasn’t holding me down, it was how it was meant to be. I had to look up and believe in the process. Believe in the power of hope. And learn to lean on something bigger than me.
I remember being young and deciding, on a Sunday night, as I lay awake in bed, that “Tomorrow, I will be kinder, I will try harder, I would be better than today”. And I remember feeling nervous and somewhat anxious. I wondered what that would take. I didn’t want my circumstances to hold me down. I had always felt a pull and somehow knew, if I followed that guide, I would be ok.
And God said Grow.
So, I did.
I rose above each circumstance. I chose to be different than my family and my surroundings. I fought to become who I was meant to be.
And God said Grow.
I recently reflected on the person I used to be just a few years ago. I remembered how I would react to different situations, how I treated others, what I GAVE(and held back) to those around me. I realized I have changed significantly.
Reflection is a beautiful tool.
As I reflect, I can see how much easier some things have become because of my willingness to surrender to what is.
I have become more giving, I have learned more in the last few years about myself than ever before, and the best part? I can actually see that I have Changed. I have changed in ways I can’t explain. My outward appearance is evident, but it is because of the evolution within.
In surrendering to the picture I had created in my mind, I am able to live the life I am meant to. And it has proven to better than any of the scenarios I imagined.
Many years of sadness, resentment, feelings of blame and abandonment have been “weeded” out of my soul(my garden). Many more good things, empowering people, challenging experiences, and light have entered in. And I can see it now.
I never fully understood why God had “put me through” the 18 years of hell. I think I am a great person, so why would he make things so hard for me? I used to be aggravated by the fact that he or she had an easy life. So why didn’t I ?
Not so long ago, I asked God “Why?” Why couldn’t I? Why didn’t He? Why?
Now, I know.
In every extraordinary, in every horrific, in every breathtaking, in every heartbreaking experience….He was helping me to Grow.
I wouldn’t be the Mom I am today if I hadn’t been an orphan (in many ways). I wouldn’t be the wife I am if I hadn’t gone through a difficult marriage and divorce. I wouldn’t have the intimate desire to empower the lives of others if I hadn’t lived THROUGH the nights of unimaginable chaos and pain.
We have to go THROUGH it in order to GROW.
And what I know is that all along the way, I was never alone.
He was guiding me. He was walking beside me. And many times, He was carrying me.
I won’t ever say it was easy. I wouldn’t ever want to replay it or go back in time. But, I get it now.
Every experience, each day (whether good or bad), is for the GREATER GOOD.
Not only have I been able to be enlightened, but I have evolved and emerged. I am closer today to being the person I was born to be.
A light giver.
A game changer.
This life is astonishing….if you wake up and look around. And I mean WAKE up and SEE the beauty in each event. In each person you encounter. In each struggle.
Every hand we touch, every word we mutter. We are impacting another soul.
So, the next time you are struggling or feeling down about your circumstances, look up.
Look up and hear these words, friends.
And God said, GROW 🦋
He won’t leave your side. This, I know.
“Your time as a caterpillar is over. Your wings are ready”.