It’s 6am, on a snowy Wednesday morning…and I am awake, reflecting on this year.
My breath is calm, I’m enjoying a cup of coffee, preparing to head to yoga soon.
All is well.
But as I look back on 2018, most of it was exhausting…..and I now know why.
This past year did not start how I had planned. My planner stated, in blue ink, that January 1st was “Go Time”.
And instead, I became “paralyzed “.
You see, a lot of Life happened this past year. All while I was “planning” on living the way I had pictured.
1. My Dad, who I had a nonexistent relationship with for over a decade, passed away.
It hit me hard.
To the core.
I couldn’t run fast enough from the memories and the pain of what would never be.
2. My body decided to play tricks on me. Being a 40+ year old woman, you can only imagine.
3. My last child grew up, graduated high school, and left home. I was left empty handed, without an ” identity ” of the mother I had been for 24 years.
4. I had a career change.
Humbling, new, and scary.
5……And, most importantly, I lost the life I had so diligently scripted. And, in the “loss”, found who I am meant to be.
I didn’t realize until a few months ago, that the hardships I faced early this year were actually shaping me into the woman I had been praying for.
A healer, a coach, a better wife, friend and mother.
A strong, unshakable human with a laser focused purpose.
I kept getting up and praying each morning.
I’d ask God to “direct my path”, “show me your ways”, and “please help me”.
I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t answer my prayers.
All the while, he was handing the answers to me.
I was so frustrated as I watched countless people find their joy. Their blessings were being handed out like candy at a parade.
And all I could think of is “when is it my turn?”
All the while, God was blessing me too.
Just in a different way than I had imagined.
You see, life is all about perspective.
I get that now.
He was putting me through the trials I needed to endure to prepare me for my specific, beautiful journey.
Not hers… or his…. or theirs……
And I can finally appreciate that.
I am done sulking about what could have been or how it should have gone down in my mind.
I am an instrument in this worldly band. I need to play loud, be bright and learn to appreciate my own sound.
And, I am. 🦋
I was recently talking to my husband about this past year. We were driving home from a trip and I broke down crying.
I said,” I suffered so much loss this past year”.
I lost my Dad, my daughter, my old job, etc, etc, blah,blah, blahhhhhh😩
He put it into a different perspective.
Look at what you actually “found”.
And, you know what?
He was right.
1. I found my Anxiety Discussion group through the loss of my Dad. In dealing with my own severe bout of debilitating anxiety, I felt a compassion for my Father and the pain he lived with every day. My brother, who I lost to suicide, must have felt it too. I decided I didn’t want anyone else in the world to feel alone in their journey through anxiety. And so “Renovation Station” was born. I “found” beauty in the pain.
2. Through the struggles of my body, I learned about gratitude. We often forget how good we feel when we are healthy. I know I certainly take it for granted. You don’t realize how blessed you are until you can’t do the things you once could. Can’t “be” who you once were because of limitations. I “found” a blessing in the struggle. I no longer complain about “doing” things, working out, being busy, etc….I am blessed beyond measure because I AM ABLE to do these things, while others are not as fortunate. In the midst of the lesson, I decided to start running.
Because I CAN 🦋
3. And then I became an empty nester…. and then my son broke his leg.
Odd statement….but, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
Selfish, maybe, but it also changed him in many ways as well.
I was NEEDED again and He was forced to be still.
I was able to take care of him, get to know him all over again, and be a MOM again.
I believe he learned gratitude, strength, patience and compassion in the midst of his struggle.
The blessing in the setback is that I “found” that I will never lose my identity as a Mother…the job description just changes.
4. My husband and I transitioned to a new company this summer. That was a bigger change than I could have imagined. After being what I considered an “expert” in my field, for many years, I realized I didn’t know everything 😉
I was humbled. What I “found” in the change was my love for lifelong learning. And so I began….asking questions, jumping in with both feet, and embracing new ideas and information.
I KNOW the coming year will be one of my most successful, as my mind is open and the possibilities are endless.
Through the last few months, I continue to have “ah ha”‘moments.
Literally stopping in my tracks and thanking God.
Like, “oh, ok… I get it now.” “That’s why it didn’t work out”. And, “that’s why you changed directions on me”, so on and so forth.
I get it now.
And I plan to Run with it…..
God had a different chapter written for me in 2018. I spent most of it angry, feeling ripped off and bitter.
I remember the day I took back my Power.
And I won’t give it away… ever again.
My faith and trust in God is my Power.
After 44 years, I now TRULY believe that HE has a much more vibrant, extraordinary purpose for me than my human mind could ever imagine.
So, for 2019, I’m going with that❤
Follow by Faith, not by sight.
And as you begin your New Year, may you be reminded WHY the Rain was so necessary.
It is only to Help You GROW🦋
Blessings and much love,