So many years have passed since I made that decision.
The decision that saved my life.
That moment that forever changed the history of my life story and perhaps saved me from myself.
I was still carrying the burdens, guilt and pain of a childhood I had no control over, but so desperately wanted to change.
For almost 40 years, I wanted to save them.
My Dad, Mom, and siblings……from themselves.
Do you know what that is like?
I pray you never will.
It’s a suitcase that breaks your back, a way of seeing things that you’d never wish to, and it’s like waking up each day, wishing to time travel and change every moment.
It’s impossible. Truly.
In walking away toward a new, fresh life, almost a decade ago, I can now see clearly.
I can see that it went down exactly as God had planned.
Sometimes we pray and pray for things to happen.
We get impatient, not understanding why He won’t just come through with our requests. But, I’ll tell you what. He comes through in ways we could never draft, nor plan.
After almost a decade of retreating to my bedroom and wailing, in a fetal position, aching for my Mom, my prayers for a relationship with her have been answered….. in more ways than my mind could have ever orchestrated.
I never wanted to lose her, but she was part of the toxic package. I knew she wouldn’t understand. I could only hope to have time with her when the tide had ebbed.
And now, I do.
I learned so much this past week, my head is still spinning.
And yet, I have never felt so free.
Life is so intricate.
So much of what is perceived to be true…well, its only a spec of dust on the whole picture frame.
I felt strong enough to allow her into my world. I was able to ask the hard questions and accept the answers today.
I realize she did what she had to do with what life dealt her.
And I can now see how much she loved us. To go through what she did…I’m not sure I could do the same.
After all the years of not being able to comprehend her decision to stay with my Dad. After not respecting her career choices or how she lived her life.
I can finally appreciate her strength and determination to go on.
And here she is.
83 years old and her first birthday dinner out.
83 and quickly searching to reconnect with all those she was kept from.
83 and living each minute to the fullest.
My mother is Free and I am blessed to witness this miracle.
I want to write what I feel and how my lens have been adjusted, but I just don’t think my emotions would be justified in black and white.
It is everything I prayed for, dreaded and wanted.
All wrapped into one.
A true gift 🎁
I prayed to rekindle our relationship when my Dad passed someday.
I didn’t know how it would feel to actually experience someone who wasn’t able to fully live. She is having to cram decades into a few years.
I didn’t know how much I would ache for her and how much I would want to empower her.
This post isn’t just about the beauty I have witnessed, but to open your eyes if you’re dealing with abuse.
Of ANY kind.
There are so many delicate forms.
And they usually start as small “pokes”.
It’s NOT OK if he/she doesn’t want you to have relationships with family or friends.
It’s NOT OK if he/she hits you.
It’s NOT OK if he/she destroys your confidence, in even simple daily choices.
It is NOT OK.
They will not change.
YOU cannot change them.
It WILL happen again.
There is no statute of limitations.
When I asked my mom why she stayed, she said, “for the kids”.
I told her she didn’t do us any favors by putting us through the misery. She replied, “if I could do it all over again…..
But, she can’t.
I don’t blame her.
I truly don’t.
Life has a way of showing us things in hindsight, right?
I said ,”Mom, maybe you saved my life”.
I left my first marriage when I could see control and abuse beginning.
And I knew……I could never be “her”.
I have to wonder if I lived through my Mom’s nightmare in order to avoid my own.
Maybe my childhood has actually allowed me to have the beautiful life I Lead now?
Then in walks total forgiveness.
I don’t have the anger for my Dad I once did.
I believe he suffered a multitude of mental illnesses along with alcoholism to cope with the demons.
Again, we only know what we know.
After all this time, I can only recall the good parts of him.
I run with his favorite songs playing in my ears and Smile.
For that, I am blessed.
I feel like all that I went through and this amazing journey I have been on, well, it is just the beginning.
The Lord has overwhelmed me by revealing to me mere specs of dust in his ultimate plan for my life.
How amazing is He!
To find your purpose is extremely empowering.
To walk towards it and own it?
This is FREEDOM💥
Always take care of you.
And keep your eyes open.
His Grace encircles you every single day.