I’ve been trying to fight the urge to jump on the social media “thankful post” train the whole month of November.
I always tell my husband that when I blog, it’s more like a calling, and I swear “these aren’t my words”.
Typically, when I write, it’s like these thoughts start churning in my mind and I come across this huge epiphany that I feel the need to share; hoping it will help someone.
Reach a yearning ear.
I’ve spent countless 3:40am mornings, staring blankly out my living room window, saying the same prayer.
“How would you use me today?”
“Here I am, Lord. Your instrument.”
I’m starting to believe even deeper in the power of prayer……
With Thursday being Thanksgiving, it has brought many memories to my mind.
From childhood dinners to not so long ago.
The emerging of a human life is something to truly treasure.
As I ran the other day, I started to reflect on this past year…2019.
It’s so interesting to me how so many of us go into each year with our “resolution list”.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about writing out goals and going after them, but I learned this past year, God sometimes has something better in mind.
I started this year with a Bang.
Training for my first half marathon, rocking out my career, healthy, positive, strong.
My year began just the way “I had planned”…..and I type that with a HUGE smile on my face ☺️…..Thanks be to God.
He had some other detours and bumps in the road for me to travel through.
He, being the Lord, the Author of my Life. ❤️
I received a beautiful card from my mother this past January, reaching out and wanting to rekindle our relationship.
I felt strong enough and felt it was an answer to my prayers.
I connected with her and it was good.
So, I did what I do best…and went all in…inviting her to stay with me, at my home, after a decade of detachment…for 10 days.
That was a lot.
I didn’t realize the mental impact it would have on my body and mind.
After she left, I spent most of the summer of 2019 beating myself down, assigning my body ailments, and rushing to heal the decade of damage that had been done.
I’ll tell you what, I sure learned a lot.
About myself and about life.
Another beautiful gift that came from my traumatic childhood was the gift of writing.
I find it to be so amazing that when I can’t put the emotions into words, I just grab a pen and paper, and puke it all out.
I always feel so much more clear and calm.
So, this summer I did just that.
I couldn’t process what I was feeling, so I wrote it down.
I wrote out that I had done all I could for my family, it wasn’t my fault, and after 45 years of feeling helpless, I decided all I can do (for anyone) is give it to God…..and just Pray.
The release of stress, the freedom I began to feel… I really Don’t have the right words.
All that comes to mind is the word, Power.
We recently took a vacation to Jamaica this past month.
Breathtaking, calm….just what my husband and I needed.
I hadn’t really realized the toll life had taken on our health and our spirits until I was able to “just be” for a few hours by the ocean one morning.
Looking back on the year, I can now clearly see.
A lot can change in 365 days.
And a lot of changes happened to me.
We became true empty nesters this past year, we changed companies, experienced loss and love, transition and growth.
My two oldest children moved away.
I opened up wounds I didn’t know still existed.
And I began my “transition” as a woman.
Trust me, friends, that is a lot to overcome.
Peri menopause…..I won’t go into too much detail, but it’s like being on a roller coaster… in the middle of the ocean….when you can’t swim….unexpectedly….on random days…..without warning…..all while you think you are losing your mind. 🥳
Now back to being thankful.
I start every year with a word.
That’s right, no resolutions, just one word.
It typically reflects a part of me that I want to enhance.
2017 was Health…that was my laser focus for that year. I lost 45 pounds and took on a whole new lifestyle.
2018 was Peace. My focus was forgiveness and understanding. I developed stronger relationships and learned so much about the human spirit.
2019 was Power.
My focus this past year was taking it back.
I realize now, I did.
A pivotal moment in my world was an ordinary July morning this past summer.
Picture it, I came home from 5am CrossFit, was getting ready for the day, and soaked my shirt due to a hot flash.
I had been feeling very shaky the past few weeks, but like most women in today’s society….we can never let the world see us falter, right?
I call Bullshit.
That morning, I texted my coach to meet me, as I was frustrated with….well, looking back…life.
He sat down with me, while I vented and cried.
I believe he understood that I just needed to release some stress.
He did a great job allowing me to do so.
We talked, set some goals, and a game plan for moving forward.
That’s all good and great, but then I asked him the question that made me realize I had hit an all time low.
I handed over my own Power.
I had just given it away in 5 words.
“Do you believe in me?” I asked him.
I Actually ASKED another human if they BELIEVED in ME???!!!!!!?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the hell?
We ended our meeting and as I drove back home, I think I was in shock.
I don’t remember a time I have felt so broken and disappointed in myself.
So, I did what I do these days.
I laced up my Brooks and went for a run.
As I began, it was like climbing uphill.
I was so blocked and exhausted.
And then this song came on my playlist.
“I See You” by Missio.
I’ve blogged about it before.
It’s an eye opener.
Why can’t we see ourselves as He sees us?
We are beautifully made, hand crafted by our God.
And yet, we live, broken.
I remember looking up to the sky that day, with the sun warming my face.
I made a very important promise that morning that changed the rest of my year.
I will only see, hear, and feel Love for myself.
I will follow my heart and intuition at all times.
I will “see” myself as God “sees” me.
Life changing, folks.
That conversation, in July, needed to be had before September.
Before I ran the Ragnar relay.
Before I was in the dark woods, on a 7.6 mile run, alone in the night.
Before I had only myself and God to count on.
Had I not taken my Power back that July day, I would not have had the strength to move through the darkness and uncertainty that night.
Had I not taken my Power back I would not have been able to set new limits with my Mom so I may continue healing and move forward with her, in a different light.
Had I not taken back my Power, that July day…the path may be much different today.
See what I am saying?
It’s all in His time.
It was not necessarily convenient or “planned”, but it was RIGHT.
And just what my soul needed.
But not mine, through Him.
Here’s the thing.
I am thankful that I was reminded of this,
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.
Now, that is Power. ❤️
And I am so glad He took me down His path in 2019.
2020s word is LIVE. ❤️
Life is short…and surprising…unexpected….and a journey.
We all have choices.
Every moment of every single day.
I guess it depends on who’s voice we listen to.
Society or the soft whisper of our soul?
Our values or others beliefs?
This year, I am thankful for the Detours. ❤️
So very grateful for the run in the darkness. ❤️
Thankful for my body talking to me, so I took the time to hear her. ❤️
Thankful for the “Army” of souls God has
planted all around me. ❤️
Throughout the rest of this year and beyond, keep a heart full of Gratitude.
Life may not always go as planned,
“Maybe God has something better in Mind”.
Happy Thanksgiving 🦃 and many blessings in the coming year!!