Yes it’s 5am on a Thursday morning.

And yes, I am awake.

My day has begun.

For that, I am grateful.

I woke up this morning, before my alarm. My plan was to head to the gym.

But,my heart was pulling me to this.

I went to bed last night with an odd thought.

“Pull back the curtain”.

👌🏻 okay then. Must have been thinking of when I performed in musicals or “hoping ” to see one?

“Pull back the curtain”.

“I don’t know. Guess I’ll sleep for now”.

I’m a big believer that as we develop a closer relationship with our God, the Universe, or whatever your belief may be, we start to “hear” again.

And, I think that particular phrase was meant for me.

As I shared last week, the last few months have been ones of transition for me, to say the least.

My Dad passed away, I had some unexpected setbacks, health concerns, and fought with anxiety once again. Through my faith, support systems, and the stubborn Norwegian blood that runs through my veins, I got back up…again.

You know, life really is a roller coaster. It can be quite a ride, don’t you agree?

As I have been “waking up” the last month or so, reflecting and self analyzing (as I often do), I realized so many other priceless lessons came from the uncertainty and unplanned “events” this winter.

I met a friend for coffee, earlier this week.

In our area, we just had a historic April snowstorm.

I was saying how crazy it was and how I just needed winter to end. Ugh 😑.

Be done already! Go away snow and ice!

Pleeeease !!!

His perspective was a bit different and it got the wheels turning.

What if this is how it was meant to be?

What if there were so many others that needed the stillness, maybe the lesson of patience was taught… or the gentle reminder of how little we can control?

What if the timing of the seasons was just right? Maybe spring hadn’t been “delayed”, maybe winter wasn’t lagging on, just maybe.

What if?

This never ending winter caused me to look deep…. and some days, “dig deep”.

I learned to appreciate the warmer, sunny days. My phone and social media went as silent as it could, so I could be immersed in the moments of spring. Because “what if” it was the only nice day for a long time?

It makes you stop and think about all sorts of things. “Could that be the last time I see him/her?” “What if that was not possible any longer?” “What if I couldn’t do those things?”

If it was your “last”——(fill in the blank)….maybe you would appreciate each gift a little bit more. I know I would.

I learned “presence and gratitude “.

I was forced to realize “it is what it is”, as the snow continued to fall.

I had to find the warmth and beauty in other areas of my life.

I yearned for the sunshine and the excitement of the buds on the trees. I wished for it to be like it was years ago. 2 years ago, I was walking my dog with shorts on!

But that isn’t today.

I have to enjoy today and hope for tomorrow. It was a reminder of faith. “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain do what we cannot see”.

Spring will come again. That I do believe.

So with that, I was reminded to “trust and have faith “.

Beautiful reminders. And for those, I am grateful.

However, one lesson did catch me off guard.

I was blessed with the down time to examine ME. My inner workings. What makes me tick, happy, passionate, and Alive.

And my findings were quite interesting.

I thought I was living out loud. I was pretty sure I was giving 110%. But, when I “pulled back the curtain” to my life, I can now see that I have just been waiting offstage.

I made a decision to be the true, raw, real, open ME.

The ME that walks out on the stage and grabs life by the horns (or balls)…whatever slang you prefer😉.

The ME who grabs my family and friends for a second hug, just because.

The ME who dances around the kitchen and plays air guitar to Panama, by Van Halen.

The ME who is honest and blunt.

The ME who survived and feels compelled to heal.

The ME He has deigned me to be.

What I’m trying to say is this…

This winter, in my stillness, I realized I have been waiting BEHIND the curtain. Knees shaking, nervous and afraid. Of what? I’m not sure.

In the core of my soul, that is not who I am or was destined to be. And I was reminded, once again, that this is the only “performance” there will ever be.

So, as frightening and exhilarating and crazy as it may seem…….I have PULLED BACK THE CURTAIN…..and taken on the lifelong LEADING role…. as the ONE and ONLY “ME”.

And, I also decided I kind of liked this winter, after all.

Underneath all the cold, the gray skies and snow…something was blossoming. Fighting hard to survive, pushing with all her might to break through.

It was ME💜

SO………..

Who’s ready to audition?

Pull back the curtain?

Be the Star ⭐️ of your own life again?

Be free, be bold, be who you are designed to be?!

Let’s do it, friends.

Today, show up as the TRUE YOU, cuz I’m showin’ up as ME🎉

Much love,

Linda 🦋

“How could I Make you so small when you’re the ONE who holds it ALL?

“When did I forget that you’ve always been the King of the World?”

Such a powerful song by Natalie Grant.

King of the World.

Came across this song on a February day and it paralyzed me.

It was the message I had been thirsting for. The answer to a prayer.

And He brought it to me.

And because of this song, His Grace, and the stillness that I was “forced” into, over the course of this winter, I must share.

I’ve been away. And I missed this life.

But, I had to leave for awhile and truly feel…and heal. He knew what was best for me.

I missed the 5am workouts, the hustle and bustle of my career, the laughter of friends…I missed my life. Unknown to me at the time, I had to step away.

They say you don’t truly appreciate something until it is taken away from you. I now believe that is true.

You may wonder what happened? Was it a cancer scare? A life altering event? What?

None of the above, my friends.

It was a wisdom tooth.

I could go back to early December and tell you how my siblings contacted me to tell me my Dad was dying. I could share how aggressive and evil they were. I could share how my Dad was in hospice care,only 5 minutes from my home, and my Mom and Sister kept that from my children and I. I could tell you he passed on the last day on 2017….and we never had the chance to say goodbye.

But, I’ll save that for another time because… “I’m over it”, “I’m over the grief”, “I have moved on with my life” and “it doesn’t hurt anymore”.

Well, that’s what I thought anyway.

I was reminded of my pain when my jaw started to “bang”.

As I reflect on life, I continue to see.

Like, actually SEE how God’s best masterpieces are molded in the darkness.

This February, He began reshaping me.

I really struggled with the passing of my Dad. I truly didn’t know how to grieve for the “loss”of him.

All the kind messages, cards and people reaching out. I imagined that in another’s world, it would be a horrific tragedy.

To lose your role model in life, your “first love”, your Daddy.

But I didn’t have any of those feelings or really even a Dad.

So…How do you cry for a man who caused you so much pain? I didn’t have a lot of memories to hold onto. No special gifts, only a handful of photos, not even a card signed in his handwriting.

My husband, children, even very close friends…didn’t know how to comfort me. They didn’t know what to do or say. And, I didn’t know what to tell them.

Because, for almost a decade, I had boasted “when He dies someday, it won’t affect me”…he had been absent most of my childhood…and I had walked away. I believed all if my “self talk”, until the winter came…and stayed.

I pushed through my busy, upbeat life. Giving myself a week of “down” time. I ached for things to go back to normal.

With no funeral or service planned, I had to do something for closure.

I submitted an obituary. My children, husband and I held a small service for my Dad. We lit paper lanterns and had root beer floats(his favorite treat),and I even made a playlist.

All the songs I once dreaded singing to…were all I had left to hold onto.

I’ve realized that the grief that I choked down would eventually Rise out of me, but I figured it would be little by little. And over time…in my time… when it was convenient and planned. But, I was reminded that I am NOT in control… in a most unexpected way.

My wisdom tooth stopped me in my tracks that ordinary Monday.

Now, some may say I am “reaching” with how it all went down. Some would say it was nothing. Others wouldn’t react the way that I did. Some may say I could turn my events into anything I wanted. It may have been just a wisdom tooth, but to me, it was an awakening.

I’ll tell you this…. you didn’t pray my specific prayers. You didn’t sit in the stillness. You didn’t feel and grow and cry and heal with me. You can’t ever “see” what I was shown.

It was all for a reason.

I will always believe 💕

Long story short……

God took back control.

Id like to think He’d been letting me hold the reins for the past year or so.

In my small world, I had life licked.

4am wake up, structured day, happy life, healthy, secure… and all is well. Pretty easy to be positive and strong when everything is going right.

But, I think He wanted me to sit with Him for awhile. So, He flipped the table over and all the dishes, cups, and “structures” came crashing down. At first, I was angry with Him for making a mess out of my perfectly planned little life.

I had forgotten how far I had come. I had been lacking appreciation for the small things. I had been fooling myself, thinking I was “strong enough” on my own.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I pray daily.

I trust, I rely, I worship.

Or do I?

I was awakened.

I started feeling like I was coming down with something during a Friday morning workout. My jaw hurt, I was having trouble working out, and had chills. I told myself I was probably getting the flu everyone had.

I decided to take it slow the rest of the day and laid low all weekend. By Sunday, I accepted that maybe I had an infected tooth. Called the dentist Monday and went in to see what was up. Something small, I’m sure.

I’ll be back at it tomorrow.

But God had a different plan.

I had a severe infection due to a wisdom tooth and needed it out asap. It was very bad, almost dangerous. Well, that would explain the way I felt.

If you’ve ever seen Grey’s Anatomy, you’ll know this…

“Trauma 1”.

For me, it has a bit of a different meaning. My anxiety went through the roof and I was in full blown emergency mode. I probably should have been put in a trauma room 😉

Because of childhood events, many unexpected things present themselves in very dramatic ways for me.

Most people can “deal” with inconvenient events. I usually can as well. Frustrated to have to put my schedule on hold, an unplanned expense, right? I wish.

This “unexpected ” event became a big one.

But, bigger and more aggressive than it should have been. And I now realize it was so I would be still.

I had the wisdom tooth surgery in early February and recovered quite quickly. In any “normal” circumstance, I should have been back at it. I was cleared for the gym, physically healthy, looked good, pain free. But, I just couldn’t get past something.

At first I thought it was anxiety. I practiced yoga, walked the dog, did meditation, and prayed.

I just felt heavy.

I couldn’t seem to keep my appointments with friends. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone. And I had forgotten all that I had in front of me. The grief that I had been hiding from had come to sit with me.

And I felt like it wasn’t just sitting with me, but it was holding me down.

I learned, many years ago, that in order to release an emotion, you must acknowledge it and literally SIT with it.

Feel it, breathe it in.

Once you have acknowledged and released it, it no longer has power over you.

All of these years, all the work I had put into myself and my healing.

I had forgotten the most important rule.

“What you resist will persist “.

So God took my life back.

He used my wisdom tooth to quiet me. When I fought that and tried to run, He brought my anxiety in.

When I thought I was more powerful than that, He brought me to Grief.

And there I sat…..in the middle of this gray, cold winter ❄️

Pissed off because I was missing out.

Mad as hell because I wasn’t “on vacation”, wasn’t busy, couldn’t, would never….it’s not fair!!!!!!!

And then, I turned on Spotify.

I felt like someone slapped me in the face.

“When did I forget that you’ve always been the King of the World?”

I was speechless. The tears of relief and release came. Why was I carrying this heavy load?

He wants to care for me. He wants to take my burdens away.

He’s got it under control.

At that moment, a light switch went on!

He silenced me in order to hold me….and heal me.

Perfectly. Precisely. With His unconditional, unimaginable LOVE ❤️.

In the silent moments, He reminded me of memories I had long forgotten of my Dad.

He showed me how much my Dad loved me(in the ways he knew how).

And through my pain, depression, and severe anxiety…..allowed me to feel empathy for my Dads struggles.

I “felt” and could finally understand my Father’s life long pain. I felt sadness, compassion for my Dad, and a new form of peace I had not felt before.

There is beauty in the release.

I cried for my Dad, because of him, and for the future there will never be. I let it all go and accepted that he will always be with me and a will be a part of me. And I made a promise to myself to celebrate that intricate piece of me. I’ll sing loud, Dad. I’ll dance when I’m happy. And I’ll alway toast you when I drink a root beer float and..probably….cry a little bit, too when I see a shooting ⭐️ star.

There is peace in the passing.

Through forgiveness, I can only see the good memories now. I can remember that day we sat outside, drinking fresh lemonade. I can feel his hand holding mine, while we searched for the constellations in the summer sky.

And I would never be, could have never known, and now can be….all He has planned for me, because of this time. And for that, I am grateful.

To say that I am HERE…. would be an understatement.

To say that I can finally SEE the gratitude in the morning.

To feel the warmth of my loved ones hands.

The simplicity of the laughter.

The humor in this “never ending” winter…..❄️

This was not the way I had “planned” for the last couple of months to go.

But, I now believe, more than I ever have…that God’s plans are always so much better than mine.

There’ll be more to come, friends.

For today, love, live and look up.

And don’t forget WHO is in control 😉

I hope this offers you peace, empathy for others, and the strength to share ☀️

Much love,

Linda🦋