Life is so beautiful and full of the unexpected.
One of my favorite sayings is “Every day comes with its own surprises”.
And I’m so grateful. ❤
If you follow my blog, you’ve read the unraveling.
You’ve witnessed just a portion of the inner workings of Faith.
Faith can move mountains.
And true surrender will CHANGE your life.
Let me share….
My early days were not so good. Life was tumultuous (is that even a word?) at best. The chaos, the abuse, the ups and downs of life as a child in an alcoholic home.
As I grew and became an adult, had children of my own, and developed my own world, I realized just how toxic my family really was.
I distanced myself to save myself.
I blocked my parents and siblings from my phone, sent back letters, and all together allowed them to disappear from my world.
I know that sounds tragic. And it was. But, I couldn’t take the abuse anymore. 34 years of the madness, the anger, the rage.
It was just too much.
And my soul was exhausted.
For the past decade, I have devoted my time and energy to healing myself.
Through prayer, fitness, lifestyle changes, and only allowing things into my life that serve my highest purpose, I became a stronger, more defined woman.
And after all this time, I have learned to love myself again.
Let me tell you, I have worked SO hard to get to this place. Many minutes, hours, days and years spent “undoing” what was done.
Resisting the shutdowns, fighting the fear, and sloughing off all of the limiting beliefs put upon me.
I thought I was done with the past….. then my Mom wrote me a letter. ❤
My Dad passed away a little over a year ago. He left behind the aftermath of his destructive behaviors. And it seems that only when the debris has cleared, can you truly see the damage that was done.
Have you ever heard the saying “Hurt people just hurt”?
Well, unfortunately, that defines him.
Ironically, in the past year, I feel like I have built a better relationship with him than we had in this world.
I talk to him, sing songs that remind me of us, and even go on runs “with” him.
His spirit and all the good in him lives on.
As I have shared with my children, I don’t remember any of the bad things anymore.
Forgiveness, I tell you, wipes away all of the gunk.
Since my Dad’s passing, unexplainable beauty continues to filter into my life.
It’s almost as if he is up in Heaven, mending all of the broken pieces; one by one.
And I am all about helping him. 😉
The first “mend” was last February.
My anxiety and depression brought me to absolute forgiveness for what my Dad had lived with and through. A newfound understanding of part of the reasons of what he did, was, and why he continued to stay where he was at.
My daughter said it best….”the world was too loud for him”.
And that sparked my anxiety discussion group. To empower and equip others dealing with the demon.
Beauty from the destruction. ❤
The next event, being the reconnection with my oldest brother. A visit that was so full of laughter and love. A 19 year hiatus with a new beginning.
A friendship and the amazing feeling of belonging.
And 2 weeks ago, a message of love from my Mom. ❤
After being center stage with the abuser for 64 years, she had her reasons.
Though her and I see life differently, I didn’t walk in her shoes.
I don’t understand why she didn’t leave.
I don’t know what was said to her, what role she played in it, or how it all went down.
I just know that when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I walked away.
I will never know why she put her 6 children through it all.
And that is ok. ❤
The past sometimes needs to remain just where it is… in the past.
We can’t change it.
And if we weren’t there to endure it, we don’t really have the full story.
And to judge? That’s pointless.
I read my Mom’s letter that day and decided it was time to move forward.
I wanted to put the past behind me and see why God was bringing her back into my life.
I have missed my Mom more than words can express.
So many times I have laid in a fetal position crying, “I just want my Mom”….true story, my husband can attest.
When I was being a nasty teenager, my Mom would always tell me, “No one can ever replace your Mom”.
And, that proved to be right.
Others may fill the void, but I shared her body for 9 months. You really can’t top that. 😉
So, I prayed on it and decided to make myself a cup of tea ☕️.
I sat with the idea of hearing her voice again, maybe even seeing her, but then I stepped back.
Part of the reason I left so many years ago was because my family caused me so much undeserving pain.
They were so mean and inconsistent.
I wondered if I called her, would she be kind or ??? Who knows what I would get that day.
I reached out to my “board of directors” as I refer to them.
They are the people in my life that continue to “show up”.
Those who have my complete trust…..and, believe me, that is hard to achieve.
My husband, 4 children, my mother in law, and a couple treasured friends.
I sipped my tea, took a deep breath and called my Mom.
I wasn’t sure how I would start the conversation, but God helped me. ❤
I said, “Hi Mom, it’s me, Linda”.
And we both cried tears of joy.
She had missed me just as I had missed her. Needed me just the same. And, something different from what I had gotten years ago…she Thanked me for calling her.
We caught up and only skimmed the surface of the big issues. I suggested we talk of those when we see each other.
We picked back up like 2 long lost friends.
Since that day, we’ve talked almost daily.
It has been this unexpected gift that I get to open.
I call her on my way home from meetings, on my way to the store.
And I couldn’t take my husband’s call Saturday because I was talking to my Mom.
When I called him back, that’s what I said.
“Sorry I couldn’t take your call, I was talking to my Mom”.
The most beautiful sounding words ever. ❤
Let me tell you this….
When we fully surrender for the plans God has for us, He unleashes this unexplainable peace and vibrant love that cannot be dimmed by words.
He allows true forgiveness and love to enter your heart in a way that is not earthly.
And He covers your eyes with LOVE.
That is all you can see.
No more regret, guilt, anger or fear.
That’s what we are here for.
That’s what remains when we die.
Spread it, friends and give it freely.
I promise you, it will change you ❤
I’ll end here for today, as I am about to prepare a care package to send to my Mom❤
Let the journey unfold in His perfect time….He’s got you.
This much, I know.