It’s been awhile since I could find the words. They seem to have escaped my mind and mouth, although my heart is full of them.
There’s so much I still have to tell her, so many more years I planned to share.
We would talk about growing old and the four of us going on adventures when we were retired.
We were going to travel together once she felt better and cause all kinds of trouble 😉.
She was a rock.
An irreplaceable gift that God shared with me and so many others.
My soul sister.
And the beautiful light in her still shines on.
3 weeks ago, she passed on.
That’s 21 days.
And still, already it has been too long.
I miss my friend.
I miss our morning text messages more than I can say.
I miss the feeling of security and joy she brought to my life every day.
Really, I miss her in every single way.
Sometimes, I pretend she’s on vacation and she’ll be back soon to tell me all about her latest adventure. But, I know that day won’t come.
Death is so final, isn’t it? Like, you won’t get the chance to answer that call or have that moment or…anything at all.
I really hate that.
So, how do you move on when you have this hole in your heart?
When the person you shared your daily pieces of “life” with no longer is here?
I need an answer, because I don’t know.
I just keep walking forward, as she would do.
Even through her illness, she always put her loved ones before herself.
Throughout her entire battle, she always stopped to comfort, love and show up.
Her strength and dignity were astounding.
Whenever she got disappointing news, she kept on. She persevered. She had a warrior’s mindset.
Keep fighting, NEVER give up.
Last week, on vacation, I teared up many times, as I went to send her a picture or a funny experience and then I realized …she can no longer reply…. and I hate it.
It feels so unfair.
We had so much left to experience here!
Grief is such a mixed up emotion.
Some days we’re ok and others, we are a mess. I feel selfish at times for wanting her back.
One moment, we cry and ache inside and the next, feel empowered by the words or memories left behind.
My beautiful girl taught me so many lessons while she was here. Many, I didn’t even know about until she had left.
She did them all.
I always wondered where she found the time or energy to be the beaming light she was to so many.
Her light was from within.
And her energy came from above.
She believed her purpose here was to Love.
To not “sweat the small stuff” as she told my daughter’s and I.
We had a girl’s weekend with her two weeks before she passed.
It was so hard for her, but she insisted we come. She wanted her “girl time” she said.
She fought through so much pain and discomfort that weekend.
And that light she exuded never dimmed.
I feel God reached down upon her that Saturday afternoon.
She had a very tough morning and we were concerned. After a nap, she woke up with an energy we only remembered. She made us her famous bloodies, requested some comfort foods and danced around her living room.
I dislike country music and she had put some on. When I reminded her of that, she cranked the volume and danced!
We talked about our lives, her adventures as a younger woman and played a board game she liked.
And we had our girl back for that special moment in time.
When it was time for her to go to bed, she asked for one of us to tuck her in.
My daughters allowed for me to have that precious time.
Once I helped her get comfortable, we held one another’s hands and cried.
She was so very tired.
I asked her if we could pray together and she said she would love to.
So we grasped hands, so tightly we felt each other’s hearts beating and prayed.
We prayed for renewal, for strength and for His love to forever shine on her and her loved ones.
Whenever we prayed, via text or phone, we’d end with “We Believe “.
And we did.
And I do.
I moved up and whispered in her ear that I loved her. I told her she was the best sister I have her had and kissed her forehead.
She would always say,
“Love you more”.
When we left the next morning, that was my last embrace. And I knew it.
Her poor body was so tired. If it was up to her mind, she would have lived two lifetimes!
I will treasure that time with her for all of my days.
Even though she isn’t here with me, her love will always be a part of me.
I find comfort in knowing that maybe she was here as a great connector. Often times I’ll try to recall how I became friends with someone and remember that she introduced us.
If you knew her, you loved her and whoever she knew…you just assumed they were one of the good ones too.
My soul sister.
Her time here was too short, but what an impact she made.
To live life with the vigor and passion she did,
to give unconditional, abundant love to those she knew,
and to have the unshakable Faith of a mountain.
She showed us all how to be here.
How to “be here now”.
Your light with shine on, Kandice.
We will remember your grace and passion in all of we do.
In the friendships you planted between us all.
In the kindness, understanding and patience you gave so freely.
In the laughter we share for the times gone by.
And, in all the lessons of life you have left behind.
I’ll never stop missing your beautiful face, your infectious laugh and your love.
But I also know you are running with me, guiding us, and smiling with Jesus above.
Thank you for sharing a part of your life here with me.
Love you more, Soul.
“I Believe “💜
Your “fat bottomed girl” Linda
I dedicate this to my soul sister, my sister in Christ, and the best friend I have ever had, Kandice O’Brien Svec🙏
“The part of me that’s you will never die”