It took me a long time to be ok.
Like, a really long time.
Close to 50 years.
The funny thing about life is we don’t realize how much time has passed until we sit back and reflect.
So many moments, opportunities…. and so much life gets wrapped into the lessons.
It is only when we are truly awake that we see all the beauty that has passed before us.
Throughout my healing process, it has been interesting to me to see the same thing or person, visit a familiar place, only to view it differently. It’s as if my eyes have been replaced.
My perception of my surroundings and how I view reality has been modified.
How I handle disappointment.
How I treat myself.
What I am willing to deal with.
What I am willing to accept.
And sometimes, remove from my life.
This past weekend, I was walking down the path to our lake. And another moment hit me.
I recall being here, but not going down to the water for some time because the stairs were not yet built.
It was a rocky, well worn path of dirt down to the water. And I didn’t want to trip.
Or feel pain.
I could recognize that the old part of me was speaking fear to the renewed me, but still I stood at the top, fearing defeat.
The earthiness beneath my feet and the lapping lake down below didn’t hold enough gratification for me to take that first step.
…until I did.
You see, as humans we want what we want.
Mostly, instant rewards and constant acknowledgement.
Just open up Facebook to see what I mean.
The posts about the engagement, the new job, or even just that someone did their laundry and what they made for dinner demand “wows” or likes. And, unfortunately, the same goes for me. I want to feel good. All the time.
After what felt like a lifetime of pain and chaos, all I yearn for is peace and stability, which I realize won’t always be available.
So, I cope.
I use my mechanisms to go beyond the old patterns. The old recordings. The old voices of the past that are hell bent to hold me back.
And I achieve.
I achieve without expectations.
I work hard to be better for the world and for me.
My latest strategy is to tackle and learn about anything that provokes fear or anxiety within me. I address it, jump into it and face it.
And then, magically, all of the power is taken from that uncertainty and built back up inside of me.
The difference in me has been the internal work. The work the world doesn’t get to see. The things I only allow my soul to applaud or sometimes to grieve.
I set boundaries. I set goals. I pray more and worry less, knowing my God has it all under His mighty control.
More often now than ever, I take that first step with much less hesitation.
I smiled freely as I ran up and down that well worn path the last few days.
Getting onto the boat, making memories with my family.
Running down it to sit and admire the sunset from the dock.
And at one time, walk down it slowly to thank God for the lesson.
I realized that hill no longer held any power over me.
Taking the first step when the road may seem unstable can be terrifying.
Believe me…I get it.
You’re unsteady, uncertain and it’s so much easier to stand up on the solid ground.
But what are you missing while doing just that?
You’re missing the adventure, the moments, the things you’ll tell stories about for years! The opportunities,
the gifts the world needs from you….now, TODAY!
Take that first step.
Whatever it may be.
You’ll begin to LIVE louder, LOVE harder, and LAUGH with pure certainty ❤️.
Cheers to you this Labor Day weekend and always.
May you find YOUR bumpy path and walk it with intention 🙏.
Blessings to you all, my friends.