I don’t have the energy(or desire, honestly) to do my typical November gratitude posts. I’ve been doing them for more than a decade on social media..every November.

More for me than anyone. After all, it’s the month of thankfulness; right?

It’s typically a look back at a year, great times, a life well lived.

Easy peasy, nice calm flow.

That’s how I prefer my life to roll, anyway.

However; the past 2 years have been a mystical, chaotic mix of stress, rushing, fear, and pushing ahead.

I’m finally past it and sitting calmly in the Present.

I have this weird sense of strength inside now. This unfamiliar authenticity that I really kinda “dig”.

Life is truly a blink.

The end of 2023 ended with the beginning of my Mom’s decline and began with hope for my best friend’s remission.

But, as life transpired, I had to accept that there was already a greater plan in motion.

Learning, very quickly, that I really have no control.

Losing a loved one is hard.

I don’t care how old, how young or how strong you are. They take pieces of you with them when they go. Pieces you find yourself desperately searching for. Over and over again; to the threat of exhaustion.

When you finally come down and accept that without them, life will look different, you can then begin the long journey of healing. ❤️‍🩹

And, that’s what I have been doing.

I’ve told my husband and close friends that 2024 and 2025 have been the worst years of my life; to date.

Hell, they have even trumped 6th grade.

It’s interesting when you have some time to stop and let your mind wander. I

t’s incredible how resilient the human spirit has become.

This past year, I have had some moments.

New highs and some very LOW lows.

From drinking martinis and head banging in my living room to shake out the shit.

To running away to my daughters to let them take care of me and remind me of my power.

I’ve been blessed to be a part of my grand baby’s first year of life…….I don’t have the words for how she has encompassed my entire heart. 💙

I’ve stopped “looking” for Joan in my other friends and have learned to love them for what they bring to my life.

And I have smiled through tears as I hear my dear Mom in my words and my mind.

And of course, my old Pup Bolo. I’m still unraveling from all the lessons that sweet soul brought into my world.

Life has a funny way of shaking us up when we think we have it licked. Am I right?

It’s in those moments that we grow closer (or go farther away) from God.

There was only one day that I screamed at Him. I was so pissed for all He was taking from me. And then, I fell to my knees and He reminded me of all I had left here.

So much Love.

So much Kindness and Compassion.

So much left.

That’s how we move on.

We have to learn to live without the one who left, as we hold them close.

In our memories, in our stories, in our good deeds.

“Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone”.

So I began again.

A reset.

A shutdown, a rebirth.

It’s been a year of growth and I think that is beautiful.

You see, as humans, we take so much for granted. Our loved ones, the little moments.

And I’m here to tell you, that’s all that matters.

I don’t sit and smile about the lavish gifts or trips my Mom or my Bestie shared with me. I laugh and cry and smile over the simple things.

The times my Mom and I had a slumber party and stayed up until midnight talking. The time I made her gluten free Mac and cheese. And the day we laughed til we cried.

The crazy text messages to my Ioanie about paper cuts, the paper bag picnic, how every time I took a selfie of us, I made sure to catch her off guard.

The mornings alone with my Bolo, our walks and talks, and the way his fur felt.

We look at loss in such a way that we feel angry and robbed.

And sometimes we never move on from it.

Grief is heavy.

I’ve lifted some barbells that were loaded down, friends. This was a weight I could not carry alone.

So, Jesus did.

He came along side of me and carried my burden until I was strong enough to lift it on my own.

In the passing of my loved ones, I found a renewed faith. In watching each one of them slowly leave this earth; I acquired Peace.

In their final days; there was an indescribable peace, yet vibrance within each of them. They had accepted their path and knew where they were going.

They trusted it.

God was near and in the midst of their departures; He was also clearing my head and heart. Although I didn’t realize it at the time.

So this year, I don’t have 25+ things that I’ll post to be grateful for.

I have one.

LOVE. 💗

It is because of His love that I am healing.

And all the glory goes to My Lord!

However, it’s because of my Mom’s love, Joanie’s love, Bolos love; that I am becoming a better human. They were phenomenal souls and left me with big shoes to fill.

The love of my incredible Bri, who let me scream and cry and release; all while he held me close.

The love of my beautiful daughters, waiting for me to break and dropping everything to be my strength.

The love of my sons, their kind; yet stable compassion and hearts.

My friends, my in laws, my clients.

God had me enveloped in LOVE.

And for that, I am beyond thankful this year.

Here’s to carrying on traditions of those we hold dear and making new memories with those we love. It’s in the simple moments that we carry on the LOVE in the grandest ways.

May your life be blessed beyond measure and may you walk into this Holiday season knowing you are NEVER ALONE 🩷.

Always a part of me in each moment of every day:

My Own, my Joanie, My Bolo.

Blessings,

Linda 💙

I remember making all sorts of plans for the year I would turn 50.

From booking a marathon for myself in Vegas to trying to publish my second book. All so I could do something BIG the year I turned 50.

It was a milestone birthday.

But quickly became a year I will never ever forget.

50 began on a quiet note.

My best friend of 34 years and I celebrated with a trip to Two Harbors. Her birthday was the day before mine. She always used to say she was born just for me.

It was just us.

We rented a VRBO, hiked, saw the black pebble beach, and enjoyed cocktails at the Tipsy Mosquito.

We knew in our hearts it would be our last birthday together.

You see, she had been diagnosed(I still hate that word) with high grade serous carcinoma; an aggressive form of ovarian cancer, about 1.5 years before.

July was busy but nothing groundbreaking. It always begins with my first born’s birthday which is a high note. Then end of the month became a bit odd. My Mom, at 88, called me and said she was weak and needed help. So she went to the hospital and had a long stay. My best friend had her monthly appointment and learned her latest treatment was not working and she would need to look into another method. And all the while, life continued to progress. I remember being at our cabin for a family reunion….and the rest is a blur.

Shortly after returning from the cabin, my Mom’s doctor called to let me know it was time for hospice care. And my best friend called to let me know she had been admitted to the hospital once again.

Now, due to real life time and my fingers getting tired of typing all of this, I’m condensing some of the madness. And let me tell you, there was a lot! We never truly realize how BIG things are until we have the opportunity to look in the rear view mirror and wonder how we survived it all.

I ended up taking an unexpected trip to Fargo as my Mom was transferred to her last home. I felt I needed to be with her as she moved on to the next place.

My Mom and I had taken some time apart in life but I would not allow her to pass over alone.

So I sat with her. I fed her ice cream. I sang to her. We reminisced and I gave her permission to go.

One morning, as we sat in the garden, she told me that she felt she had done everything she came to do here. I told her she was correct. Then, she had this smile on her face that I had never seen before. It was this closed mouth grin that never left.

Peace.

Pure peace and acceptance.

Loving my Mom as she left here was the most difficult, most precious moment of my 50th year.

Once I returned, I tried to put my life back together. I threw myself into my work and my adult children. It worked for awhile until Joan(my best friend) took a turn.

She was admitted to Rochester in early November and never really came home…. She did, but it was only to prepare for the journey. I still have a hard time processing her passing. She, too, was only 50.

I saw so much of myself and her pain in the mirror. I walked beside her as she walked through my worst nightmare.

I could talk about my girl forever. My Joan.

Her boisterous laugh, her smile. Her genuine compassion for all. Her smartass personality that caught you off guard. She was my sister in this life. And just the best.

I struggle with why.

And often scream out.

We had plans.

Definitive ones.

We were going to move to Florida when in our 80s and live on the beach. We’d have coffee every morning and adventure every day.

We promised to take care of one another as we aged.

Joanie and I had a special bond we shared. No one will ever compare. And often times, that is what hurts the most.

On one of her last days, as I held her hand, I told her” Do you realize you are the only human in this world who has never hurt me?” Not once. Not a harsh word. Not one broken promise. Not one single time.

I will miss her every day for the rest of my life.

The same day my best friend passed, my first grandbaby came into this world.

What an incredible gift from God!

She has healed my heart and strengthened me in the most mysterious ways.

However, my 50th winter was off the charts.

I believe it to be the longest and darkest of all my days.

Here’s where I share the real and raw of life.

The SHIT no one talks about because society expects us to show up and put on a happy face.

But, some days, I just couldn’t.

January was ALOT. Most mornings began having coffee with my husband and ended with me sobbing in pain. Utter physical and emotional pain. Like someone was cutting my heart out of my chest.

The loss of my Mom was so new.

The loss of Joan; unbearable.

One evening, when still earth-side, Joan and I texted and tried to wrap our heads around her passing; I asked how I would find her when she left here.

She quickly texted me this…

“I think a sunrise…..The sun comes up every day and it’s a chance to make each day wonderful “.

Some days this past winter, I couldn’t bear to see the sunrise so I would close the blinds.

Grief is a journey. And a powerful one at that.

I wish I would have taken surfing lessons at 49 so I was somewhat prepared for 50!

Each day got a little lighter and some days were still heavy and dark.

I had been having some female issues also during the winter. Shuffling them off to the exorbitant amount of stress and sadness I was under. But then I decided to contact my Dr.

I ended up having my very first surgery(a D&C) to remove an endometrial polyp in February. Went well and I survived but man oh man…can I be done being 50?!!!

Then in March, I threw my back out.

To be honest, it was while drinking multiple martinis and dancing it out in my living room. Feeling a moment of weightlessness costed me 2 months of nerve pain.

Still 50? Shit. 💩

Then as I came out of that, our pup of 14 years and 8 months had a stroke one April morning.

It was time to let him go.

We endured and cried and sobbed and I sank again.

The grief 50 threw at me was SO much.

And at times, I didn’t want to see 51.

Pain(in all forms),

Loss(of multiple souls),

Change(in so many ways),

KNOCKED the hell out of me !

And here I sit.

I bounced.

I’m slowly coming back.

I heard myself laugh in a genuine way about a month ago and it caught me off guard. It got me thinking about how far away I have been.

Because of the pain and loss, I left too.

I left behind my daily routines, my friends, my relationships, and mostly myself. It was too much some days.

The point of sharing all of this today, is that I am still sitting here. I am alive. I am moving through the storm. I am finding joy in the sadness and growth in the madness.

And that in itself is BIG.

50 was a year of unraveling.

A year that challenged every single thing I knew and believed; other than my FAITH.

I couldn’t understand why God would take so much from me. And then one day, I actually said that phrase out loud to my husband.

Why would God take so much from me?

And that is our tiny human mind computing.

He didn’t “take” anything from me.

He gave me 88 years with my Mom. And even after our 10 year distance from one another; we found each other again. I had prayed for just one more memory with her. And he gave us multiple slumber parties, so much love and laughter and another 8 years!

He didn’t take Joan away from me. He gave me 34 years of sisterhood. Laughter, pain, moments, and time. He allowed me to have some of the greatest conversations of my lifetime the last week of hers.

Where is Heaven? What will it be like?

And He didn’t take Bolo away. He gave us 14 years and 8 months of pure joy and love that only a dog can share. Bolo taught me so much, was the best therapist, bestie and strength of my life.

It’s all perspective.

50 was BIG.

I was foolish to think I needed to make BIG plans. Plans that would force growth and awaken me in ways I have never been.

I wasted so much time planning and prepping for my BIRTH into year 50.

God knew the way and once again, HIS plans were not what I had imagined or hoped for. However, they far outweighed anything I could have asked for.

This past season, I did run a “marathon”.

One far more rewarding than any trail. I ran towards life. I ran into the pain and darkness that has only helped me find more light.

And I did “publish” a new book.

One within my soul. One with chapters so intense and terrifying.

Chapter with uncharted territory, and pages filled with lessons.

So, in closing, I’d say 50 was pretty BIG after all.

A BIG fucking mess filled with every emotion. Full of gratitude for the army He has surrounding me. Full of GLORY to my GOD🩷.

In less than a week, I welcome 51.

I am ready and more prepared for the waves of LIFE than I have ever been.

Thank you, Lord, for this incredible grace.

And for those experiencing a season of grief , I see you and my heart is with you.

We never truly move on from Grief.

We just learn to move WITH it.

Love you forever, Mom, Joan and my Bolo.

Thank you for letting me into your story and for all of the love you left within me.

I will spread it far and wide for the rest of my days.

And, I know…..You will all be waiting 🩵

Sidenote; I heal through music.

Listen to the song I shared a photo of.

It is profoundly accurate.

I was “sitting in this house for days, in here, waiting on the flood”

“Keep looking up not looking down, you can’t find the answers in the ground. Where will we be 12 months from now?“

Peace to all,

Linda 🩷

Good morning, my Lord Jesus.

And thank you for this day.

At this very moment, I expected to be running a marathon in Las Vegas, in celebration of my 50th birthday.

I was blessed with an injury early on in my training that stopped me from moving forward with my goal.

Throughout the last 3 months, I had moments of tears, anger and disappointment. As a runner, I get so excited about the long run days. 10 miles, 14…this time, there would be 20.

I wondered how the long runs would have changed me, shaped my resilience.

How strong I would now be.

How much I would have overcome to be ready for this journey.

However, my Shepherd gently guided me in the direction of His Plan.

As I reflect on His love for me, I have this incredible overwhelming sense of peace.

I can’t help but feel gratitude for trusting His plan over mine once again.

As I journeyed through January, it was pretty dark. I was in pain and very depressed. 2024 was supposed to be “my” year. I had goals and was determined to do something big to celebrate 50.

February was also hard. Frustration and disappointment set in big time. Sometimes causing me to crawl back into old habits, old ways. I felt a growing lack of purpose and began sliding down the pit of self pity.

And then, I got a call at the end of February that woke me up.

My Mom’s health care manager called me with concern in her voice. Mom’s memory was getting worse. Her health was sliding downhill. And we needed to do something fast.

An opportunity had come about in a beautiful assisted living facility in her city. Her manager noted that they go very quickly. I explained we would be coming in a few weeks. She wasn’t sure it would still be open at that time.

I live 6 hours away from my Mom and there was no way to get there that week.

So, I prayed and waited on God for guidance.

Almost 3 weeks later, we pulled into Fargo to see my mom and tour the new place. The gal who guided us was in shock it was still open, as most places are filled within a day or 2!

This apartment had waited for my Mom for almost 3 weeks.

God had a plan.

We moved her in last weekend. Easter weekend. Just 3 days before her 88th birthday.

What a blessing!

As I have had time to come down from the journey and collect my thoughts, I can see it all so clearly.

God had a plan.

He knew the path my Mom was taking. He knew she needed me and that I needed this experience with her.

He knew if I was training for a marathon, my focus would be solely on myself and not on my loved ones.

He KNEW where I needed to be and how to fill my heart and continue to mold me into the masterpiece He brought me here to be.

And so, He directed me.

And I followed.

Willingly ❤️.

I can no longer see myself running down Mt. Charleston, I can’t remember why I wanted to be there.

I CAN know that I showed up for my Mom the past 3 months. To comfort her, guide her.

I CAN recall multiple times I was here- fully present- for my children, my husband and my dear family and friends.

I have enveloped myself with my aging Pup, Bolo, doing our morning yoga.

I have spent more time trusting and not worrying. Encouraging, not faulting.

And finally realize that the “purpose “ I was searching for as I approach 50 was within me all along.

To follow my Shepherd as He leads me through my time here. 🙏

To know that He is always loving me, showing me the way, and bringing me into His Light.

He has once again, given me more happiness and fulfillment than anything I could have ever constructed.

And for that, I am forever thankful.

I don’t need to travel to a foreign land, publish another book, or run a marathon before 50.

But; He already knew that.

I needed to wake up and see how much LOVE and LIFE My Lord has already sent me.

And now I do.

I will celebrate that!

Here I come, 50.

Show me your Glory☀️!

Blessings, friends.

Much love,

Linda💜

“They were just some sticks built up around us”, I told her as she cried.

She was asking if there was anything else I could have saved.

I said, “No, Mom. It’s all gone. It’s time to let it go now.”

“Dad’s not there, you’re not there, none of us are there. It’s time to close that chapter.”

That was my conversation with my Mom a few weeks ago, as I went to gather some precious photos from the house I had once lived in.

My Mom left that house almost 6 years ago, after my Dad passed away.

It was abandoned.

A symbol of a crumbling family foundation that began so many years ago.

Before we went to my hometown, my children and husband had cautioned me not to go inside.

But, I am strong and I know I need this closure.

It had been 20 years since I had breathed within those walls.

It was time.

As we pulled up, my heart truly sank.

My old house was literally falling down.

I could recall sitting on those same front steps as the parade went by.

Walking home into that driveway every day after school, and eating the parsley my Groom had been growing, underneath the clothesline that no longer stood.

A time gone by.

I felt solid as I reminisced… until I stepped inside of the front porch and saw the old front porch chair.

A chair with so much history.

Battered, abandoned, just sitting there.

So much history…..of mine.

I was first introduced to the Bible in that very chair. Upon my Grandma’s lap, as her finger moved across the pages. Seeing it, I could feel her comforting touch for a moment.

I don’t have a lot of childhood memories of my Dad, but we did spend a lot time in that porch, while he sat in that very chair. He’d gaze out the windows, we’d negotiate why he shouldn’t drink that night, and sometimes we’d just talk about life and eat ice cream. I now cherish those summer nights.

That chair held my Mom in it, as she sipped her coffee. There were many summer mornings of secrets, as I snuck in from a night out.

She knew.

She always knew.

But, she’d get me a cup of coffee and we’d chatter for hours about my latest adventure and she’d share about some of her teenage ones, too.

That porch housed many sleepovers with my best friends. We’d go on midnight walks, share laughter and felt so free.

The Chair.

The Porch.

That’s what got to me.

Don’t you ever forget where you came from, I thought.

This is huge part of me.

A piece of my overcoming. It’s from where I draw my strength.

It’s in the days that have passed that I lived through. It’s in the nights I never thought I’d get through. It’s who I am.

Almost 50, I walked into that house with pride. I survived.

Within these walls, are stories that I have lived to tell.

And to me, there is POWER in that.

I’m here to tell you to let it go. Let it all go and accept.

We cannot undo what has been done, nor can we change what others chose to do.

However; we can focus on healing and improving who we are as WE grow.

There was once a FAMILY that lived and LOVED within these walls.

Together, we faced struggles, we laughed, we shared Holidays and Birthdays…and a past.

Memories of my Grandma float between the bricks of those four walls. Her sandbakkels baking, and how we picked the grapes to make jelly.

My Mom’s intuition fills the air, her all knowing strength will always precede me.

I can still hear my sandals clip clopping up our old stairs, as I snuck in.

I can still smell my Strawberry Shortcake doll, the fragrance of coffee being brewed, and hear American Top 40 with Casey Casem playing, on a Sunday afternoon in my old room.

And, as I gazed into our old dining room, from the front porch door, I could see my Dad and I. How we’d sit at that old table on a cold winter’s night and sing.

Hank Williams Jr, Charles Pride, and my Dad’s, now priceless reminders and sometimes, his tears.

Back then, I hated those nights.

But in that moment, I now know why it all happened the way it did.

I’m learning, that as time passes, which is certain it will, all we have left to hang onto are the Memories.

The good ones, the bad.

The conversations, the lessons.

Hang onto them, my friends.

For one day, when that “old house” is crumbling and everything around you has changed, that is what you will have.

Standing there, in the driveway, with a smile on my face, a tear streaming down, and so much Gratitude in my heart.

For it all.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, for it too, will pass.

Everything is Temporary….except for the Memories….those are what last.🙏

This Thanksgiving and every day,

BE THANKFUL

and more importantly, TRUST IN HIM.

His plans are always more amazing than our minds could ever conceive.

Closing the Chapter of 507 forever.

Thanks for the memories and for being my shelter and this time, my Strength 💜.

Much love to all,

Linda

It’s taken me awhile to get to the point that I can put my feelings into words.

Before publishing this post, I read it to my husband and had him sit down and “prepare”for it.

I read through what I had and he questioned why this was such a big emotional thing…

I explained to him that the simple fact I can type these words without sobbing uncontrollably, that’s the reason why it’s Big.

It’s this HUGE monster I have been carrying around.

I can finally release it, I can let it out.

It stays near, but it doesn’t have to smother me.

You see,

I’ve gone through an emotional war…

From feeling immense sadness, anger and helplessness for those that I love so dearly.

I’ve realized everything is temporary.

That was a difficult acceptance.

In my child’s mind, my comfort lies within routine and all things remaining the same.

It’s coming up on 2 years since I texted my soul sister.

Nothing crazy, just a hello that day.

She replied back with “I’ll text ya later, I’m in the ER right now”.

She went in for a terrible pain in her side.

It had been there off and on for awhile, but was unbearable that day.

It was October 1, 2020.

We lost her to liver cancer approximately 18 months later.

She was only 40 years old.

I still miss our daily text messages, even today. She was extraordinary and I don’t just say that because she’s gone on.

She truly was….Extra Ordinary…not like anyone I had ever encountered in this life.

Her life here taught me how much I was living in fear. It’s time to LIVE LOUD…like she did💜.

My lifelong best friend went in for stomach issues and was hospitalized last summer.

They told her it was diverticulitis.

Turned out on October 1, 2022, it was formally diagnosed as high grade serous carcinoma….essentially ovarian cancer.

She was 48 years old.

She’s still with us, fighting, inspiring, and somehow still changing the world around her.

Her illness has changed me, in ways I wasn’t expecting.

Her steadfast heart and grace astound me💜.

Another beautiful friend who went in for her first colonoscopy….they found colon cancer.

48 years young.

I hadn’t seen her in 30 years, so we decided this spring, it was time.

Time….never enough of it, yet our most precious entity.

Recently, a dear friend, his first colonoscopy at 55.

And now, Colon cancer.

My heart hurts.

And to be honest, I don’t understand.

It has thrown me down to the ground and taken the air out of my lungs.

Too young. Too soon. Too much.

Some friends don’t understand why I cancel every other coffee date with them, why I just “can’t “, when I am drowning underneath my loved one’s bad news on a scan, or celebrating a good day with them.

Time with them is of the essence.

They have a ticking bomb in their life..and we don’t know when it will go off.

It’s called Cancer.

I think it’s a demonic plague of our time and I wish it would just disappear like a storm cloud on a determined sunny day.

It’s so unexpected.

So destructive.

And yet, so beautiful…all at the same time.

How another life can impact so many has been made very clear to me the past 2 years.

To watch another human go through so much suffering, yet hold onto this unbreakable rope of hope.

To witness the gifts that unfold.

To inherit the desire to become a better soul.

To live more fully.

To cherish the simplicity of each breath.

There’s beauty in that. 💜

All of these occurrences have thrown my own mortality into a new perspective.

It’s as if fate brought a huge lemon meringue pie to a party and pushed it directly into my face, shoving it into my eyes, up my nose and literally choking me with a new reality.

I recently told fate to “Fuck off”.

I went back to what I can control.

And that would be every moment I am upright and breathing.

I began running and lifting again…absorbing empowering songs that speak to me at this point in my life.

“Each day’s a gift and not a given right.”

“Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind. “

“If today was your last day…..”

Nickleback, I thank you 🙏.

I feel this sense of urgency.

Tomorrow is not promised, and I know it never was.

But, what if we decided to REALLY LIVE today???

Like, think about this…

Meet Joe Black.

You were just told your time is coming to a close.

What would you do differently?

Would you stay where you are?

Is there Anyone you need to connect with, forgive, show up for?

Is the job you are working promoting happiness or are you on a never ending hamster wheel with no end in sight?

How do we LIVE like there’s no tomorrow?

By LOVING, FORGIVING, EMBRACING, INHALING, and LIVING for this moment…TODAY !!!!

Go on a walk and actually look up at the sky.

Stop and say hello to a stranger and make them smile.

Give.

Love.

And never lose your sense of wonder.

DO IT NOW✔️

Thank you, Lord, for placing these souls in my life and in my heart. To teach me, to strengthen me, and to help me see your wondrous works. I trust that with YOU, all things are possible. ❤️

Sending love to you all today and always.

Love you more,

Linda💜

It took me a long time to be ok.

Like, a really long time.

Close to 50 years.

The funny thing about life is we don’t realize how much time has passed until we sit back and reflect.

So many moments, opportunities…. and so much life gets wrapped into the lessons.

It is only when we are truly awake that we see all the beauty that has passed before us.

Throughout my healing process, it has been interesting to me to see the same thing or person, visit a familiar place, only to view it differently. It’s as if my eyes have been replaced.

My perception of my surroundings and how I view reality has been modified.

How I handle disappointment.

How I treat myself.

What I am willing to deal with.

What I am willing to accept.

And sometimes, remove from my life.

This past weekend, I was walking down the path to our lake. And another moment hit me.

I recall being here, but not going down to the water for some time because the stairs were not yet built.

It was a rocky, well worn path of dirt down to the water. And I didn’t want to trip.

Or fall.

Or feel pain.

I could recognize that the old part of me was speaking fear to the renewed me, but still I stood at the top, fearing defeat.

The earthiness beneath my feet and the lapping lake down below didn’t hold enough gratification for me to take that first step.

…until I did.

You see, as humans we want what we want.

Mostly, instant rewards and constant acknowledgement.

Just open up Facebook to see what I mean.

The posts about the engagement, the new job, or even just that someone did their laundry and what they made for dinner demand “wows” or likes. And, unfortunately, the same goes for me. I want to feel good. All the time.

After what felt like a lifetime of pain and chaos, all I yearn for is peace and stability, which I realize won’t always be available.

So, I cope.

I use my mechanisms to go beyond the old patterns. The old recordings. The old voices of the past that are hell bent to hold me back.

And I achieve.

I achieve without expectations.

I work hard to be better for the world and for me.

My latest strategy is to tackle and learn about anything that provokes fear or anxiety within me. I address it, jump into it and face it.

And then, magically, all of the power is taken from that uncertainty and built back up inside of me.

The difference in me has been the internal work. The work the world doesn’t get to see. The things I only allow my soul to applaud or sometimes to grieve.

I set boundaries. I set goals. I pray more and worry less, knowing my God has it all under His mighty control.

More often now than ever, I take that first step with much less hesitation.

I smiled freely as I ran up and down that well worn path the last few days.

Getting onto the boat, making memories with my family.

Running down it to sit and admire the sunset from the dock.

And at one time, walk down it slowly to thank God for the lesson.

I realized that hill no longer held any power over me.

Taking the first step when the road may seem unstable can be terrifying.

Believe me…I get it.

You’re unsteady, uncertain and it’s so much easier to stand up on the solid ground.

But what are you missing while doing just that?

You’re missing the adventure, the moments, the things you’ll tell stories about for years! The opportunities,

the JOY,

the gifts the world needs from you….now, TODAY!

Take that first step.

Whatever it may be.

You’ll begin to LIVE louder, LOVE harder, and LAUGH with pure certainty ❤️.

Cheers to you this Labor Day weekend and always.

May you find YOUR bumpy path and walk it with intention 🙏.

Blessings to you all, my friends.

Much love,

Linda 💜

It’s been awhile since I could find the words. They seem to have escaped my mind and mouth, although my heart is full of them.

There’s so much I still have to tell her, so many more years I planned to share.

We would talk about growing old and the four of us going on adventures when we were retired.

We were going to travel together once she felt better and cause all kinds of trouble 😉.

She was a rock.

An irreplaceable gift that God shared with me and so many others.

My soul sister.

And the beautiful light in her still shines on.

3 weeks ago, she passed on.

That’s 21 days.

And still, already it has been too long.

I miss my friend.

I miss our morning text messages more than I can say.

I miss the feeling of security and joy she brought to my life every day.

Really, I miss her in every single way.

Sometimes, I pretend she’s on vacation and she’ll be back soon to tell me all about her latest adventure. But, I know that day won’t come.

Death is so final, isn’t it? Like, you won’t get the chance to answer that call or have that moment or…anything at all.

I really hate that.

So, how do you move on when you have this hole in your heart?

When the person you shared your daily pieces of “life” with no longer is here?

I need an answer, because I don’t know.

I just keep walking forward, as she would do.

Even through her illness, she always put her loved ones before herself.

Throughout her entire battle, she always stopped to comfort, love and show up.

Her strength and dignity were astounding.

Whenever she got disappointing news, she kept on. She persevered. She had a warrior’s mindset.

Keep fighting, NEVER give up.

Last week, on vacation, I teared up many times, as I went to send her a picture or a funny experience and then I realized …she can no longer reply…. and I hate it.

It feels so unfair.

We had so much left to experience here!

Grief is such a mixed up emotion.

Some days we’re ok and others, we are a mess. I feel selfish at times for wanting her back.

One moment, we cry and ache inside and the next, feel empowered by the words or memories left behind.

My beautiful girl taught me so many lessons while she was here. Many, I didn’t even know about until she had left.

Love big.

Live loud.

Give freely.

She did them all.

I always wondered where she found the time or energy to be the beaming light she was to so many.

Her light was from within.

And her energy came from above.

She believed her purpose here was to Love.

To not “sweat the small stuff” as she told my daughter’s and I.

We had a girl’s weekend with her two weeks before she passed.

It was so hard for her, but she insisted we come. She wanted her “girl time” she said.

She fought through so much pain and discomfort that weekend.

And that light she exuded never dimmed.

I feel God reached down upon her that Saturday afternoon.

She had a very tough morning and we were concerned. After a nap, she woke up with an energy we only remembered. She made us her famous bloodies, requested some comfort foods and danced around her living room.

I dislike country music and she had put some on. When I reminded her of that, she cranked the volume and danced!

We talked about our lives, her adventures as a younger woman and played a board game she liked.

We laughed.

We cried.

And we had our girl back for that special moment in time.

When it was time for her to go to bed, she asked for one of us to tuck her in.

My daughters allowed for me to have that precious time.

Once I helped her get comfortable, we held one another’s hands and cried.

She was so very tired.

I asked her if we could pray together and she said she would love to.

So we grasped hands, so tightly we felt each other’s hearts beating and prayed.

We prayed for renewal, for strength and for His love to forever shine on her and her loved ones.

Whenever we prayed, via text or phone, we’d end with “We Believe “.

And we did.

And I do.

I moved up and whispered in her ear that I loved her. I told her she was the best sister I have her had and kissed her forehead.

She would always say,

“Love you more”.

When we left the next morning, that was my last embrace. And I knew it.

Her poor body was so tired. If it was up to her mind, she would have lived two lifetimes!

I will treasure that time with her for all of my days.

Even though she isn’t here with me, her love will always be a part of me.

I find comfort in knowing that maybe she was here as a great connector. Often times I’ll try to recall how I became friends with someone and remember that she introduced us.

If you knew her, you loved her and whoever she knew…you just assumed they were one of the good ones too.

My soul sister.

Her time here was too short, but what an impact she made.

To live life with the vigor and passion she did,

to give unconditional, abundant love to those she knew,

and to have the unshakable Faith of a mountain.

She showed us all how to be here.

How to “be here now”.

Your light with shine on, Kandice.

We will remember your grace and passion in all of we do.

In the friendships you planted between us all.

In the kindness, understanding and patience you gave so freely.

In the laughter we share for the times gone by.

And, in all the lessons of life you have left behind.

I’ll never stop missing your beautiful face, your infectious laugh and your love.

But I also know you are running with me, guiding us, and smiling with Jesus above.

Thank you for sharing a part of your life here with me.

Love you more, Soul.

“I Believe “💜

Love,

Your “fat bottomed girl” Linda

I dedicate this to my soul sister, my sister in Christ, and the best friend I have ever had, Kandice O’Brien Svec🙏

“The part of me that’s you will never die”

I woke up too late to go to the gym today, so here I sit, awaiting the sunrise so I can go on a run.

The run my body and mind have been craving. Lately, my head has been full and the best thing for that is running through the thoughts.

Funny how God knows just how to care for us, just what to do to expand us further into who we are to be.

The Potter and His clay.

So, this morning, I am His for the molding.

I see it’s been awhile since I have posted. Quite some time since I have had the time to let things stir inside of me.

It’s been a long winter.

A season filled with hope, silence and the secrets of blossoming. Time spent growing quietly, underneath the blanket of snow.

I, too, have been silently transforming.

So many beautiful things have been happening for and to me.

As I walk through each day, I continue to see so much.

I see so much light, darkness, success, struggle and love.

I see those who are suffering in circumstances they may not have chosen.

And I remember being in that place too.

This is my way of giving and letting you know “I see you” today.

I’m giving you some insight that there is a way, if you can stay focused and believe.

It seems like so long ago I began seeing a therapist for my past traumas. I went with the intention of securing my current relationship and clearing out the bad behaviors from a time gone by. I was seeking a fresh start, praying for new hope.

I didn’t realize He was listening and had something greater in store than I could have ever imagined.

He was making me new again.

Once beginning the therapy, we realized there were many unresolved issues lurking. So, the therapist and I decided to dedicate the sessions to me, alone.

Solo.

To dig deep and rid myself of the burdens I was carrying….for good.

She said it would take work and would be quite unpleasant.

At that time, I didn’t realize what I had agreed to.

We tore off the bandaids and revealed the wounds.

Wounds from a dark childhood, splattered with fears and disappointments.

We uncovered memories my younger mind had blocked.

In the midst of my healing journey, I was instructed to journal, as I felt comfortable.

I found it quite calming and started to write out my emotions and memories every day.

It was a way of cleansing and releasing the “shit”.

So, I did just that.

I counseled, journaled and released.

For almost a decade.

One of the hardest assignments of my entire life was the day we decided that it was time to let my family “pass”. The constant hurt, the pain of yesterday…and the present was more than my soul could bear.

In order to fully heal, my relationship with each of them had to be done.

For myself and future generations.

I realized it was was time to “break the cycle”.

I’m sure you’ve heard that phrase as often as I, but I certainly will never take it for granted again.

“Breaking the cycle” takes a courage you have to find from somewhere beyond yourself. You have to continually show up for the pain, get comfortable being alone, not fitting in, and most importantly….truly love yourself. ❤️

To reframe the future for yourself, your children, and grandchildren takes a love like no other.

After more than a decade, I have risen.

I have let go of my past and have healed from the pain. The pain that I didn’t sign up for, or ask to be a part of.

Now, I am grateful for it all.

My healing journey will soon be revealed.

To be given, in love, to those who need a lift.

To be shared with the other warriors of the world, fighting to keep their head above the muck of their circumstances.

You can rise, too.

I promise.

Remove one block each day.

Remove it and hold it in your hand.

Face it.

Acknowledge it.

And then, realizing it has no place in your future, release it.

By releasing the “shit”, it leaves room for all the good!

It allows for Joy to re-enter your life.

It creates space for love and understanding, Patience and continued growth.

My years of journals have become my first book, which I will soon share with the world.

A book of hope, healing and inspiration.

I created space the day I moved my mountains.

My mountains were my childhood, my family, and all of the resentment and pain.

The mountains were replaced with forgiveness, understanding and so much love.

Since then, I feel so much lighter.

What mountains are you carrying?

God will take them.

He’ll help you move them, just as He did for me.

I won’t lie, friends. It wasn’t easy. There were days and nights of tears, anger and so much sadness for what could never be.

There were times I wanted to go back because the road ahead was too hard. But, I walked on.

I gave my burdens to God and hiked up that mountain like it was a mound of sand.

Anything…..and, I mean Anything is Possible through Him.

Stay tuned for my release date and until then, take some time to evaluate your life and decide.

Decide if you want to continue on the path of least resistance and suffering OR is it time to take that long journey up the mountain and finally begin to LIVE??

Whatever burden you carry today, know there is Hope.

There is Power.

And there is a way to get to the Top.

Just keep looking up✔️

You have our God ready and willing to carry you when you can’t go on.

May your Monday be blessed and May your heart be at peace today.

I believe in your Power.

Now, you must too. 😉

Blessings and power to you all!

Much love,

Linda ❤️

I woke up this morning, thinking that I needed to blog about anxiety. I wasn’t clear why, until I realized it was World Mental Health Day.

My mental health journey has been an interesting one. From my family’s experiences, dear friend’s struggles, to my own battles.

I absolutely LOVE that we, as a society, are finally recognizing these struggles as illnesses. Maybe now, those who need the help will feel comfortable enough to seek it.

My journey with anxiety has been a lifelong one.

I’m starting to believe it could be environmental, hereditary and even possibly linked to poor nutrition.

I grew up in a very chaotic home as a child.

Early on, I was diagnosed with IBS, acid reflux, you name it. All because I couldn’t actually eat. I would try, but my body wouldn’t allow the food to be digested. Looking back, I now know, it was due to the crazy high amounts of stress my poor body was forced to endure daily.

I recall trying to go to kindergarten, and my Grandma insisted I eat something before I went. Sometimes, I could get down a couple spoonfuls of chicken noodle soup. Only moments later, I’d cry and think I was going to throw up. Many mornings, I walked to school chewing gum to calm my system.

I remember, as a teenager, feeling my heart beat out of my chest, as I walked home from middle school. I thought maybe I was out of shape, so I began to run the track and play tennis that summer. It helped, but I now realize, the exercise very likely calmed my nervous system and regulated my heart.

My adult life has been an array of “episodes “. That’s what I have grown to lovingly call them.

Each episode takes me to a place I have never ventured into before. But, through my unwavering faith and determination to beat this demon, I have learned so very much.

My purpose in writing this today is to help you or a loved one live with some of the same. ♥️

It’s a quiet battle, and sometimes shameful for some.

I often refer to anxiety as a demon. As it can feel like a monster at times. It seems to come out of nowhere, you try to fight it, but then…it grips you like a snake choking its prey.

And, there you sit, trying to frantically figure a way out of it’s suffocating grasp.

My first real bout with what I refer to as“insanity” was about 5 years ago, after an emergency dental surgery. I had an infection in my wisdom tooth and it had to be removed. I had never been put under before and was literally terrified to do so. I now know so much about my childhood and believe my health related fears stem from the lack of care in my formative years.

I was feeling pretty good about things until I had a reaction to the antibiotic I was on. I literally spun out of control.

I was petrified to live.

“What if it’s something else”, “what if this, that”….the anxiety was so strong, it kept me up for days.

I got better , got over it, learned a lot and moved on.

Until the next random wisdom tooth infection no more than 2 years after. That was worse than the first.

I describe my bouts with health related fear as terror.

I feel out of control, shaky, broken, and disheartened.

It’s like this black cloud that just won’t clear.

I moved through life for many years, healthy and calm, until this past summer.

Like I said, demonic.

It’s as if Satan is watching and knows you’re healthy, strong, empowered and all is well. It’s as if the snake is just watching…waiting to strike.

This past August, I had some unexpected, unexplained female issues that just didn’t add up to me. In following my intuition, I went to my Dr., thinking I was just over exercising. Only to be told I needed a uterine biopsy.

The word “biopsy” in itself caused mania to rise inside of my already taxed body.

Long story short, it came back normal and all is well…my last blog talks in detail about that journey. However, in between working, meeting with friends, grocery shopping, and putting on my best face for the world, there was darkness everywhere.

My husband, children, and in laws are humans I hold in the highest regards.

They know me and more importantly, love and accept me for who I am.

I am blessed beyond measure to have the support system that I do. Along with a few treasured friends whom I can be raw with.

And in total honesty, I am not sure I would I have gotten through this last battle without them.

After losing my Dad, about 4 years ago, I had an awakening.

In grieving for him, to the point of crying on my knees one afternoon, I was able to see why he lived the way he did.

That poor man was suffering.

In his generation, Men were supposed to be strong and not cry or feel, right?

Bullshit.

He didn’t have yoga, cbd oil, massage therapy, therapists, a huge support system, or the ability to talk about his demons.

I believe his intense, life altering anxiety drove him to alcohol. For, He needed the rest.

Unfortunately, the anxiety and inability to deal with, and manage it…took away the quality of his life. It destroyed his family, any friendships he tried to manifest, along with his ability to work.

My brother, Alan, also couldn’t take the noise. The kindest, most gentle man. The pain of others that he carried on his shoulders, the constant noise, the fear. Also, no support system, no way to find means to help him…he turned to antidepressants and vodka. The cocktail that he overdosed on one night that ended his young life. For 36 years, he fought the good fight, but the demon won.

After seeing this, recognizing these men’s struggles, even as a young woman…I was determined to win.

I have accepted the fact that this is my battle. We all have one. Or many. I will have to be on top of my mental, physical and spiritual health throughout my life….in order to live it fully.

My last episode, in August, has taught me the most.

Let me share…

My work led me into neglect of all the healthy things I know I must do. I said “yes” to a showing, instead of a massage. I said “yes” to a gin and club instead of green tea, in essence, I said “No” to my balance and well being.

The same day I called my Dr., I began a detox.

What I mean by that, is of everything unhealthy for me.

Acquaintances, foods, sugar, my running and intense exercise routine, saying “yes”, and the main detox was of my mind.

I left the hamster wheel for a period of time.

I got back to nature and rekindled my strong relationship with my God. I ate only healing foods, I stripped my life of the noise, and unhealthy friends.

Now, I get that not everyone has the opportunity to do these things. My career allows me to set my own schedule and I am so thankful for that.

However, August was a reminder.

It was a loud voice reminding me that my mental health is affected by multiple exterior elements.

Did you know that certain supplements help ease anxiety and depression? Did you know that just 30 minutes of exercise a day can boost your mood? Did you know that an epsom salt bath allows your body to absorb magnesium, which is a calming factor? If your hormones are off, your anxiety levels can spike? The list of factors that affect it are many!!!

I truly believe it was a wake up call from above and so, I listened.

My God told my body to whisper.

We have this one body that houses our precious soul. Why wouldn’t we put all of our energy, time and money into nurturing it more than anything or anyone else?

So, back to anxiety.

I have still managed, through my delicate diet, yoga and meditation practices, love for self, and protection of my time to avoid medication for my anxiety. I am not opposed to it, it is just what I prefer. I truly believe that our symptoms are warning signals from our bodies that something isn’t right, and I prefer to have those unfiltered.

That being said, I have close friends that have chosen medication, and it has enhanced their quality of life.

It has allowed them to show up, to work, and to get some rest.

I can only live my life with the knowledge and experience I have been blessed with.

I can only pray that those who battle the demons of mental illness realize that it’s OK!!!!

It’s so ok to not be ok!!!

We are human BEINGS….ever changing, growing and sometimes just trying to survive in an uncertain world.

Empower yourselves against the monsters by being proactive with your health!

In all ways, my friends.

My perfect prescription for overall well being is clean nutrition, weekly chiropractic adjustments, bimonthly massages, the proper supplements for your unique self, quiet time, yoga or meditation, exercise, sunshine, a strong support system, and your God🙏

There is power,

Peace,

And there is Hope when there is God💜

To all of the warriors….

I see you, I send my love to you, and I pray for you to have the courage to fight.

May the world know how incredibly strong we all are and may those who love us offer us understanding, kindness and grace.

I dedicate this blog to my brother, Alan and my Dad.

I miss you , I love you, and I promise to never give up✔️

Blessings and so much love,

Linda💜

1. Before I begin this, I want to Give all of the Glory to God, Our Lord and Savior.

The Almighty.

From whom all blessings flow♥️

2. Ladies, I want you to find a support system, an amazing Dr. that will actually LISTEN… and I want you to listen to the whispers.

Our bodies are always talking to us.

Did you know that?

From the tinge of pain, the occasional headache, the sleepless night, to the anxiety.

Always communicating.

It seems that the busier we get these days, many of us are not listening and that can cause problems in so many ways.

I sometimes picture myself, sitting in a circle of chairs with a group of women, ADMITTING…

“My name is Linda and I am Perimenopausal.

Ugh!

Who’s with me?!

I am 47 years old. A successful business woman, mother of 4, wife of a rockstar, and sometimes…

I think my body is attacking me.

I had a conversation with my youngest son some time ago. We were discussing health and supplements. Somewhere in the discussion, I said, “You know it’s not normal to be in pain…right?” Yet, so many people move through life in a cloud of Tylenol and Ibuprofen. Supplements include caffeine, Red Bull, or whatever gets them through the day.

Ladies and Gentlemen….this is not ok.

My menopausal journey has been pretty quiet. A few irrational days, a few extra products, a bit more emotional (although my husband may choose different words), and not much to “hear”.

I consider myself a proactive person in regards to my health. I attribute my all encompassing protection of my body to my childhood; as back then, my own health and fitness was the only thing I could control.

It’s gonna get a little graphic here, so if you can’t handle it, turn back now….

I had been telling my husband for a couple of months that I felt “off”. My emotions were out of whack, my body was extra tired.

Just off.

I have been training for a half marathon I planned to run in September and therefore, running 13-15 miles a week, along with 2-3 heavy duty weight lifting days on top. My job has been out of control for many months. Long hours, hectic schedule and all that good stuff.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped listening to her…she, my greatest treasure…the one who houses my soul.

The 2-3 cups of coffee weren’t kicking in, I wasn’t recovering from the workouts and the runs?….why wasn’t I improving? It was like I was always running uphill!!

A couple months ago, I started having “issues” after my weightlifting workouts. Breakthrough bleeding is what it is referred to. It is common for someone competing or really pushing their body to the limit, but I can assure you…I was not.

It happened a few more times. But, I had to keep training and so I pushed on.

Why, oh why do we do that ???

A couple weeks ago, it happened again and her whisper was loud.

Not only did I have that, but I felt as though I had gained 10 pounds overnight, had a headache I couldn’t shake and had the potential need for a bigger bra.

What on earth was happening?

Normally, I would push on and push it off onto menopause.

Google Perimenopause and you’ll find all those symptoms.

But, I chose to sit for a moment that Tuesday and just listen.

I called my husband to let him know what was wrong and we decided it was time to call my Dr.

I gave the nurse the rundown and was gently prompted to set up an ultrasound and a thyroid test

Wait, What?!!!!

I just have some breakthrough bleeding…I don’t have time for this.

And worse, could something be wrong????

My panic set in as I wondered what I missed. What did I do wrong to my poor girl?

Did I not love and care for her the way she needed me to?

Long story short, the ultrasound showed something that got the Drs attention and he ordered a biopsy of my uterus.

My thyroid also came back messed up.

Ladies, do you know how many hours I have spent on google the last few weeks and what that will do to you?!

Ugh.

But, I’ll tell ya what.

I also read an amazing book that I had recently pulled out of hiding. A book that my beautiful daughter shared with me years ago. But, when she gave it to me, I was feeling level and good, so why even read it right?

It’s called Woman Code.

And it was a gift from above.

Before my appointment, I read the whole damn thing.

It was incredibly eye opening.

I realize I am also experiencing adrenal fatigue…and if you hold a job, live a life, or are breathing and in your 40s, well, you may be too.

My point is we have to listen.

We have to love and respect the house of our soul.

Did you realize that what you are doing TODAY, for example, what you are putting in your body, how often you move it, and how you handle stress determines your future health?

So why are so many of ignoring the whispers?

She is talking to you all the time!

I am so grateful for my intimate relationship with my body. For my intuitive nature and for being proactive.

It’s been a long few weeks, my friends.

From the full day crying in my bed, the brain fog, and the dark what if’s.

I’m 47 and for the first time in my life, I was truly afraid.

I’m sharing this all here as I want to bring awareness to women all over.

Ladies, we have to slow down. We have to give our bodies what they need.

We have to remember that we know ourselves better than anyone.

And we have to listen to her whispers.

To double back, my biopsy was healthy and Clear. No precancer or cancer. Just some Perimenopausal ovaries short circuiting and confusing my body.

Praise you, Lord Jesus.

It was as if a heavy black curtain was lifted off of me.

And, so, that is where I have been.

In my head, under the covers in my bed, drifting through the present, and the what if’s.

I also was deep in prayer.

Sitting alone with God.

Walking with Him…literally.

Trying to find the lesson the Master was showing me. In His wisdom, so much gratitude and appreciation was brought to light.

An awakening.

For my husband, my health, my children, my beautiful friends and support system, my dog, my in laws and my mom.

For the friends who prayed with me, had lunch with me, and were open enough to share their stories with me.

And my Doctor.

He is one of a kind.

Listens, acts quickly and with compassion.

God is Good🙏

He may take us through some troubled waters, but never without His hand.

I also spent hours researching, reading, reaching out to other women, and thanking God for bringing me to fitness and running.

Who knows…maybe my workouts saved my life.

When my normal workout recovery was suddenly different, I heard her call.

I acted fast and my Dr did too.

Ladies, if you are over 40, get the check ups!!!!!

Take the time.

Do the research on adrenal fatigue and how it raises cortisol levels and suppresses progesterone.

Do the research on estrogen dominance.

Do the research on why your thyroid is off.

Why the irregularities?

The headache?

The fatigue?

It can just be Perimenopause, but man, oh man….what else could it be?

Through this, I remembered to allow myself Grace.

I give it to so many others. Why not me?

My plan is to go forward with gratitude, healing foods, lighter fitness goals, and float through my menopause journey with God as my pilot.

For He will direct my path 💜

God is Good, Ladies.

All the Time🙏

Check in with “her” today and again tomorrow.

Ask her what she needs, how she feels, what she’s missing.

And love her. Love her like she means everything to you. Because she is everything 💜

Here’s to Good Health and Mighty Faith, sisters.

In Jesus name, Amen 🙏

As one of my soul brothers says,

Mucho Love,

Linda 💜