Ah, yes.

The arrow.

A symbol of strength, choice and direction.

Which way to go?

As I took a lovely walk with my pup this afternoon, I came upon some arrows that had been painted on the sidewalk, along “our” trail… where it all began.

I used to walk this trail with my dog 5 years ago, watching the runners go by… wishing that I could be a runner someday.

I would “try ” running, but it hurt and was hard…so I went back to walking.

I never pushed past the discomfort to see what was on the other side.

Until last fall.

As I glanced at my watch to see it turn up 10 miles this past Friday, my eyes began to leak.

Never did I ever…

I couldn’t hardly wrap my head around a 5 mile run.

And now, I ran 10.

All these small practice runs had allowed me to go BIG!

I’ve been training for a half marathon for about 6 months now.

Not so long ago, a friend and I had this “idea” that we should run a half. She may have known what we were committing to, but I most certainly did not.

An idea has always sounded exciting and great to me until it gets hard.

Then, I usually give up.

I push the “back” arrow and cowardly sneak away, as if I never even began.

I don’t want to fail, so I don’t continue to try.

13.1 miles? How in the hell will I ever do that when I can barely run 5??!!?

I made a promise to myself last year, on one of my runs, actually.

I decided to stop giving up on ME❤️

I found my WHY.

Through my years, I tend to start something and put so much time in it. If I’m not the best or can’t get to it with ease, I walk away.

We have all done it.

We tell our friends about a goal, post it on social media, and then when things get messy, or inconvenient, difficult, overwhelming… I can keep going…. well, when they get hard, we put push the arrow button and give ourselves a way out.

Right?

But, why???

Why would we short change ourselves like this?

By stopping when it gets messy, we miss out on the lessons inside of the journey.

The beautiful ones.

The life changing ones.

The ones that make you better. 🤸‍♂️

I’ll tell you this….

I have learned more about my inner self by running alone, than I have most of my life.

I have awarded myself the time to get to know the real ME.

And self love?

Through these hours of “mental” runs, I have fallen back in love with the soul inside.

I am stronger than I thought.

Greater than I remembered.

And more powerful than I had imagined.

I’d have to calculate how many miles my shoes have put on these past months, but I can tell you that I have ran through YEARS in my mind.

I have learned to take bite size chews.

I have remembered to be “slow and steady”.

And when I hit mile 5 and go “numb”? I finally have felt that feeling of being weightless and free.

I have run imperfectly, I have run messy.

I have run with tears running down my cheeks and with my Dad’s spirit beside me.

And as I look at the arrow ahead, what do I see?

I envision all the demons that held me back falling away BEHIND me.

Now, as I move on toward my next goal, I know I will fail along the way. I will get dirty and tired, sore and messy, but I will be a better, stronger, imperfect ME. ❤️

Keep moving forward.

Even if it’s a little every day, a few extra steps, a few more hours, another piece of forgiveness.

It’s just like the 13.1 miles I will Run next week.

I couldn’t see it in the beginning, but the 2 and 3 miles in the snow, the tears, the shin splints and the time spent trying….those little strides ADD up to something amazing.

And I think that’s SPECTACULAR and makes it worth the climb.

Many forget what it takes to create SUCCESS, they just admire and envy the finished product, or award … it takes more work on the inside than the outer world will ever see 💥

Success happens when you continue push forward although everything in your world is pushing you back.

Here’s wishing all the GOAL DIGGERS out there a little extra energy, spark and drive!

Now which DIRECTION will you decide to go?

 

Much love,

Linda💙

So many years have passed since I made that decision.

The decision that saved my life.

That moment that forever changed the history of my life story and perhaps saved me from myself.

I was still carrying the burdens, guilt and pain of a childhood I had no control over, but so desperately wanted to change.

For almost 40 years, I wanted to save them.

My Dad, Mom, and siblings……from themselves.

Do you know what that is like?

I pray you never will.

It’s a suitcase that breaks your back, a way of seeing things that you’d never wish to, and it’s like waking up each day, wishing to time travel and change every moment.

It’s impossible. Truly.

In walking away toward a new, fresh life, almost a decade ago, I can now see clearly.

I can see that it went down exactly as God had planned.

Sometimes we pray and pray for things to happen.

We get impatient, not understanding why He won’t just come through with our requests. But, I’ll tell you what. He comes through in ways we could never draft, nor plan.

After almost a decade of retreating to my bedroom and wailing, in a fetal position, aching for my Mom, my prayers for a relationship with her have been answered….. in more ways than my mind could have ever orchestrated.

I never wanted to lose her, but she was part of the toxic package. I knew she wouldn’t understand. I could only hope to have time with her when the tide had ebbed.

And now, I do.

I learned so much this past week, my head is still spinning.

And yet, I have never felt so free.

Life is so intricate.

So much of what is perceived to be true…well, its only a spec of dust on the whole picture frame.

I felt strong enough to allow her into my world. I was able to ask the hard questions and accept the answers today.

I realize she did what she had to do with what life dealt her.

And I can now see how much she loved us. To go through what she did…I’m not sure I could do the same.

After all the years of not being able to comprehend her decision to stay with my Dad. After not respecting her career choices or how she lived her life.

I can finally appreciate her strength and determination to go on.

And here she is.

Free!!!!!

83 years old and her first birthday dinner out.

83 and quickly searching to reconnect with all those she was kept from.

83 and living each minute to the fullest.

My mother is Free and I am blessed to witness this miracle.

I want to write what I feel and how my lens have been adjusted, but I just don’t think my emotions would be justified in black and white.

It is everything I prayed for, dreaded and wanted.

All wrapped into one.

A true gift 🎁

I prayed to rekindle our relationship when my Dad passed someday.

I didn’t know how it would feel to actually experience someone who wasn’t able to fully live. She is having to cram decades into a few years.

I didn’t know how much I would ache for her and how much I would want to empower her.

This post isn’t just about the beauty I have witnessed, but to open your eyes if you’re dealing with abuse.

Of ANY kind.

There are so many delicate forms.

And they usually start as small “pokes”.

It’s NOT OK if he/she doesn’t want you to have relationships with family or friends.

It’s NOT OK if he/she hits you.

It’s NOT OK if he/she destroys your confidence, in even simple daily choices.

It is NOT OK.

They will not change.

YOU cannot change them.

It WILL happen again.

There is no statute of limitations.

When I asked my mom why she stayed, she said, “for the kids”.

I told her she didn’t do us any favors by putting us through the misery. She replied, “if I could do it all over again…..

But, she can’t.

I don’t blame her.

I truly don’t.

Life has a way of showing us things in hindsight, right?

I said ,”Mom, maybe you saved my life”.

I left my first marriage when I could see control and abuse beginning.

And I knew……I could never be “her”.

I have to wonder if I lived through my Mom’s nightmare in order to avoid my own.

Maybe my childhood has actually allowed me to have the beautiful life I Lead now?

Then in walks total forgiveness.

I don’t have the anger for my Dad I once did.

I believe he suffered a multitude of mental illnesses along with alcoholism to cope with the demons.

Again, we only know what we know.

After all this time, I can only recall the good parts of him.

I run with his favorite songs playing in my ears and Smile.

For that, I am blessed.

I feel like all that I went through and this amazing journey I have been on, well, it is just the beginning.

The Lord has overwhelmed me by revealing to me mere specs of dust in his ultimate plan for my life.

How amazing is He!

To find your purpose is extremely empowering.

To walk towards it and own it?

This is FREEDOM💥

Be strong.

Be brave.

Always take care of you.

And keep your eyes open.

His Grace encircles you every single day.

Much love,

Linda 💜