After much reflection, the past few days, I wanted to “piggyback ” on my last blog…in regards to JOY.
Surviving childhood trauma has taught me many things, and most of the time, I am grateful for all I endured. I don’t talk about it much anymore, as I feel I have outgrown it. However, every once in awhile, the resentment for what “they” put me through comes about.
My friend and I were talking, the other day, about how difficult it can be to feel and accept JOY. We chatted about how our similar backgrounds really make it difficult for us to know true happiness…..even if it’s staring us in the face.
We both are successful, have built very comfortable lives, and in the eyes of the world, have it all. So, why won’t we allow ourselves to “feel” it?
Well, in “self diagnosing” ourselves, we realized that as young people, whenever something good was brought to us or happened to us, something horrific usually followed. As a child, you thrive on routine and certain things become a part of your world.
I got an “A” on my test and Dad beat up Mom tonight.
I made the cheerleading team…and they got drunk tonight.
I got asked to prom and now Dad got arrested.
Great things can’t be enjoyed without great sacrifice. And these are learned behaviors.
And they take a lot of strength to “unlearn”.
In my adult life, I feel like life is going very well….but I only allow my JOY to be at about 60%…..just in case. Wouldn’t want to jinx anything. I want to live loud, at 110%!!!!! So, it appears I may have some growing to do.
I have found in my recent journey, as I break through psychological barriers, that I want that happiness. I want the screaming excitement with every surprise, I want the dramatic overflow of love for my family to be felt, I want to jump for JOY…literally. And I have decided, no matter how much it frightens me, I will. I will do it! I can handle the good with bad, because life as we know it, will happen anyway.
So why have I been wasting so much time on worrying???? Because that is what I had been doing for 42 years….worrying and living in fear.
My last bike ride was so freeing and mind Blowing to me. I allowed myself to enjoy the moments of true JOY and nothing bad happened that day, or the next, or over the weekend. I am learning to allow my emotions of happiness to come and remembering to feel safe.
God is in control.
In telling my husband these intimate details of how I feel, he questioned it….because he doesn’t understand. And that, is ok. He was brought up with safety, love, assurance and consistency. Like all of the innocent children should be. But, unfortunately, that is not real life. Everyone has a different circumstance and comes from a unique background that doesn’t always allow for that.
I hope that you, the reader, can’t fathom this either. I hope that you grew up feeling safe and sound.
But, for those who endured, I know you know exactly what I am speaking of. We are always in “fight or flight” mode.
And it is for you, that I write this. It is for your empowerment that I share my inner demons.
It doesn’t matter how, or to what degree, how long it has taken us, or how many mistakes we have made along the way. It matters that we are HERE.
What I plan to do for the rest of my days is enJOY the freedom, I so longed for as a child. I plan to taste the success in all I have accomplished, bask in the sunlight on a warm day, laugh out loud at life’s follies and LIVE.
I didn’t fight so hard to escape my old life to be a prisoner of the new one.
Ride that bike…WITH NO HANDS!!! Break free of the barriers that hold you back!!!!
And feel the JOY☀️☀️☀️☀️…it’s in every breath we take.