I will never forget this message. ❤️
I will Never doubt it, question it, or try to understand what He is doing in my life based on my human mind.
After many years of anger, resentment and yelling, “it’s not fair”, I get it now.
I leave this afternoon to pick up my Mom for a week long visit.
My Mom that I hadn’t spoken to, seen, or held in a decade.
The woman I had to walk away from because of the toxic situation she was in.
The woman I have cried for, deeply missed, and ached for, as she missed milestones in my life.
That’s pretty amazing if you ask me!
And all I can do in the still of this morning is give all the Glory to God.
I have prayed for this day many times.
Not so long ago, my therapist and I decided that it may be best to “distance myself to save myself”.
What that meant was I had to “bury” my past, for good.
That included my parents and siblings as well, in a sense.
I couldn’t go back to see them or communicate with them. I had to disappear in order to move forward with my life.
I will tell you, those were some of my darkest days. To date, that may have been the hardest thing I have ever done in my lifetime.
A friend recently asked me to help him understand what it was like to reconnect with my Mom after all these years. He comes from a good family and has a great relationship with his Mom.
I understand most can’t comprehend going through this.
I have had a hard time putting it into words…..until that day.
Imagine attending your Mother’s funeral, realizing you will never physically see her or be a part of her life anymore. She has “passed” out of your world.
Then one day, you hear her voice and it’s almost as if you had been living in this nightmare and now….you woke up.
There she is, standing in front of you, alive and well.
It is miraculous 💥
It’s like this unimaginable gift that was given to us, just because He loves us so very much.
I didn’t do anything to earn it. I didn’t work harder, be braver. I was just me.
And I realize, this is the Grace of God.
This is what His light, the Holy Spirit, and Faith can do.
He can make the impossible….POSSIBLE 🙏🏻
Countless mornings, for 3 years, I have gotten up at 3:46 am. I wake to darkness and the silence of my home. I wake to sit in my favorite chair and enjoy the stillness of a new day.
I’d sip my coffee and start to pray.
I’d do the typical prayers at first. “Please watch over”, “Bless this day”, “Please heal me”, etc etc etc.
I was still “asking my prayers” away.
Then one morning, it hit me that I just wanted to be surrounded by the peace and love that encircled me.
That was the first morning that I just sat and LISTENED.
So much beauty and clarity comes when you listen for the direction and purpose for your life.
So many times I had it all planned out.
I can finally see that I am not the one directing traffic here.
It’s All God. Not me.
I have continued to Listen, intently.
A child in the early morning hours, learning from her ULTIMATE teacher.
My morning ritual has become a part of me. It has also changed me.
God has entered my heart and after so much resistance, I finally let Him take the lead.
Since that time, so much incredible beauty has come into my life.
Forgiveness. Light. Understanding. Grace. Love.
I know what it is to truly Trust in His ways, as they continue to be far more extraordinary than mine.
I can’t put into words what I am able to “see”.
My Mom and I have continued to talk daily, sometimes for hours.
I don’t want to waste a moment and neither does she.
We lost so much time together.
I’ll be 45 this summer and she will be 83.
Sometime we cry about the past. The pain. How we missed so much.
Then we stop and comfort the other.
We remind ourselves that we can’t change the past. All we have now is the future.
Time that is so very precious to us.
A decade flew by. My career exploded. My children grew into adults.
And the clock kept ticking.
We only have the present. And that is why each minute is so very precious.
If I seem a little different, distracted or “off”,
If I don’t have time for the things I once did,
If you see me moving with purpose and passion and love….it’s because I am.
I made a promise to myself, some time ago.
My early morning begins with a question and because of my focus, my days end with fulfillment and joy.
“How would you USE me today?”
I am an instrument.
Here for a Purpose.
Bigger than what I can imagine.
So much Bigger than Me.
And my answer each day, no matter how Big, no matter how afraid?
I WILL. 💜💜💜💜
So, this afternoon, I move forward. With purpose, gratitude and strength.
I don’t know how the last chapter will read, I just know I have to follow…. His Lead❤️
It has moved another mountain ⛰.
May today be blessed!