A picture came up on my Facebook timeline this morning of my mother in law and I at the grocery store at 6am.
It was the first day of shut down in our area and we were making sure we had enough of everything.
The uncertainty that morning was haunting, causing my insides to tremble.
I was trying to find humor and positivity in the midst of a strange time, and I did for a moment.
I don’t think my mind, heart or soul was prepared for 2020. I’m not really sure any of ours were.
My husband and I thought maybe we’d be shut down for 6 weeks. Maybe 8…but then life would go back to normal and we’d all talk about the “shutdown” of 2020.
….little did I know.
Like many, 2020 was life altering for me.
I went into the pandemic fearful.
I was so paralyzed by the fear of losing my family or friends, what the virus could do, where it was, how we got it.
There were so many unknowns.
Living with ptsd and severe anxiety, last year could have leveled me.
So, I made a decision the 1st day the state closed to take control over 3 things in my life.
1. I will continue to run.
2. I will continue to work.
3. I promise to LIVE through this.
Those 3 promises saved me.
They brought me back to center when life was swirling out of control.
I ran in my favorite park, on my favorite trail. I said hello, smiled and wave to those I passed by. I showed up and took care of my mental and spiritual health.
There were some days I was nervous to show up. In my line of work, I show homes. Going into others spaces was a big step. Respect was at an all time level. I didn’t want to put my clients, the sellers, or myself at risk for the virus.
Early on, if you recall, they didn’t even know how it was passed. But, still I showed up.
My clients zest to go on with life, dreams and goals allowed me to be stronger. I am so blessed by them.
Now, friends, this was the hard part. Like, really hard.
I can’t see my children, my mom, my in laws, my dear friends. I couldn’t go out for a gin, I couldn’t go to a movie, out to dinner or do the “normal” things my life was made up of for 46 years.
There was one day, I was about to shower and I broke.
Like someone hit me with a club behind the knees.
Fell to the floor and screamed.
Why get ready?
What am I showing up for?
That morning, I lost the most important tool of human life.
It had been a few months and the world just seemed darker.
I was still running, but now, when I passed by another, they turned away. No one waved or said hello anymore.
My business was still good, but one has to find more in life to look forward to then work and chores.
That’s when I decided there was MORE.
More than the day to day grind.
Before the pandemic, I feel like I lived a very full life. In the midst of it, I asked myself what it was full of.
Was I truly LIVING or just SPENDING TIME?
What if this was it?
The last day, week or year of my time here?
Was I happy how I LIVED it? Was my time here spent well?
With those questions in front of me, I made a decision.
Growing up in an alcoholic home, I lived in FEAR and uncertainty. Chaos was a daily vitamin.
I decided that day, somewhere in July, to move past the fear.
If this is it, how can I make the biggest impact with the time I have been given?
I’ll tell you how…
I became Present.
I took more time with my loved ones and truly engaged.
I became grateful for every crisis, broken water pipe, flat tire, and every moment. I realized it’s all part of the lesson we are here for.
I chose(which is a huge word for me) I CHOSE to be authentic and raw.
I shed people and places and THINGS.
2020 was a release of everything in my life that was still clinging to the old me.
The old recordings,
the people I shrunk for,
the expectations of society,
and I finally was freed up enough to be ME.
I don’t think I really knew how to be.
My husband and I moved twice in the midst of the pandemic. Once to a tiny home, where I had to donate and give away most of my things.
Then, after 8 months, we moved to a more suitable space where our family could gather and we could spread our wings.
A funny thing happened in that transition.
I gave more “things” away.
I had grown so much that I no longer needed to fill space.
“Filling space“, meaning; with people, material items or noise.
I found solace in the gratitude of living my life.
There’s an older song (probably a classic now) by Nickelback. “If today was your last day”.
Give it a listen today.
I have it on my running playlist as a reminder to live for today.
If there is anything at all that 2020 gifted me….
It is to LOVE deeper, be GRATEFUL for everything and to just fucking LIVE 💥
We get this one, big, beautiful moment here.
Why the hell would you ever play by someone else’s rules?
Anyway, thanks for reading.
I hope 2021 has brought you clarity, respect, health and peace.
I pray the storm of COVID-19 came to clear our path♥️
Health. Love. Happiness.