At this very moment, I expected to be running a marathon in Las Vegas, in celebration of my 50th birthday.
I was blessed with an injury early on in my training that stopped me from moving forward with my goal.
Throughout the last 3 months, I had moments of tears, anger and disappointment. As a runner, I get so excited about the long run days. 10 miles, 14…this time, there would be 20.
I wondered how the long runs would have changed me, shaped my resilience.
How strong I would now be.
How much I would have overcome to be ready for this journey.
However, my Shepherd gently guided me in the direction of His Plan.
As I reflect on His love for me, I have this incredible overwhelming sense of peace.
I can’t help but feel gratitude for trusting His plan over mine once again.
As I journeyed through January, it was pretty dark. I was in pain and very depressed. 2024 was supposed to be “my” year. I had goals and was determined to do something big to celebrate 50.
February was also hard. Frustration and disappointment set in big time. Sometimes causing me to crawl back into old habits, old ways. I felt a growing lack of purpose and began sliding down the pit of self pity.
And then, I got a call at the end of February that woke me up.
My Mom’s health care manager called me with concern in her voice. Mom’s memory was getting worse. Her health was sliding downhill. And we needed to do something fast.
An opportunity had come about in a beautiful assisted living facility in her city. Her manager noted that they go very quickly. I explained we would be coming in a few weeks. She wasn’t sure it would still be open at that time.
I live 6 hours away from my Mom and there was no way to get there that week.
So, I prayed and waited on God for guidance.
Almost 3 weeks later, we pulled into Fargo to see my mom and tour the new place. The gal who guided us was in shock it was still open, as most places are filled within a day or 2!
This apartment had waited for my Mom for almost 3 weeks.
God had a plan.
We moved her in last weekend. Easter weekend. Just 3 days before her 88th birthday.
What a blessing!
As I have had time to come down from the journey and collect my thoughts, I can see it all so clearly.
God had a plan.
He knew the path my Mom was taking. He knew she needed me and that I needed this experience with her.
He knew if I was training for a marathon, my focus would be solely on myself and not on my loved ones.
He KNEW where I needed to be and how to fill my heart and continue to mold me into the masterpiece He brought me here to be.
And so, He directed me.
And I followed.
Willingly ❤️.
I can no longer see myself running down Mt. Charleston, I can’t remember why I wanted to be there.
I CAN know that I showed up for my Mom the past 3 months. To comfort her, guide her.
I CAN recall multiple times I was here- fully present- for my children, my husband and my dear family and friends.
I have enveloped myself with my aging Pup, Bolo, doing our morning yoga.
I have spent more time trusting and not worrying. Encouraging, not faulting.
And finally realize that the “purpose “ I was searching for as I approach 50 was within me all along.
To follow my Shepherd as He leads me through my time here. 🙏
To know that He is always loving me, showing me the way, and bringing me into His Light.
He has once again, given me more happiness and fulfillment than anything I could have ever constructed.
And for that, I am forever thankful.
I don’t need to travel to a foreign land, publish another book, or run a marathon before 50.
But; He already knew that.
I needed to wake up and see how much LOVE and LIFE My Lord has already sent me.
“They were just some sticks built up around us”, I told her as she cried.
She was asking if there was anything else I could have saved.
I said, “No, Mom. It’s all gone. It’s time to let it go now.”
“Dad’s not there, you’re not there, none of us are there. It’s time to close that chapter.”
That was my conversation with my Mom a few weeks ago, as I went to gather some precious photos from the house I had once lived in.
My Mom left that house almost 6 years ago, after my Dad passed away.
It was abandoned.
A symbol of a crumbling family foundation that began so many years ago.
Before we went to my hometown, my children and husband had cautioned me not to go inside.
But, I am strong and I know I need this closure.
It had been 20 years since I had breathed within those walls.
It was time.
As we pulled up, my heart truly sank.
My old house was literally falling down.
I could recall sitting on those same front steps as the parade went by.
Walking home into that driveway every day after school, and eating the parsley my Groom had been growing, underneath the clothesline that no longer stood.
A time gone by.
I felt solid as I reminisced… until I stepped inside of the front porch and saw the old front porch chair.
A chair with so much history.
Battered, abandoned, just sitting there.
So much history…..of mine.
I was first introduced to the Bible in that very chair. Upon my Grandma’s lap, as her finger moved across the pages. Seeing it, I could feel her comforting touch for a moment.
I don’t have a lot of childhood memories of my Dad, but we did spend a lot time in that porch, while he sat in that very chair. He’d gaze out the windows, we’d negotiate why he shouldn’t drink that night, and sometimes we’d just talk about life and eat ice cream. I now cherish those summer nights.
That chair held my Mom in it, as she sipped her coffee. There were many summer mornings of secrets, as I snuck in from a night out.
She knew.
She always knew.
But, she’d get me a cup of coffee and we’d chatter for hours about my latest adventure and she’d share about some of her teenage ones, too.
That porch housed many sleepovers with my best friends. We’d go on midnight walks, share laughter and felt so free.
The Chair.
The Porch.
That’s what got to me.
Don’t you ever forget where you came from, I thought.
This is huge part of me.
A piece of my overcoming. It’s from where I draw my strength.
It’s in the days that have passed that I lived through. It’s in the nights I never thought I’d get through. It’s who I am.
Almost 50, I walked into that house with pride. I survived.
Within these walls, are stories that I have lived to tell.
And to me, there is POWER in that.
I’m here to tell you to let it go. Let it all go and accept.
We cannot undo what has been done, nor can we change what others chose to do.
However; we can focus on healing and improving who we are as WE grow.
There was once a FAMILY that lived and LOVED within these walls.
Together, we faced struggles, we laughed, we shared Holidays and Birthdays…and a past.
Memories of my Grandma float between the bricks of those four walls. Her sandbakkels baking, and how we picked the grapes to make jelly.
My Mom’s intuition fills the air, her all knowing strength will always precede me.
I can still hear my sandals clip clopping up our old stairs, as I snuck in.
I can still smell my Strawberry Shortcake doll, the fragrance of coffee being brewed, and hear American Top 40 with Casey Casem playing, on a Sunday afternoon in my old room.
And, as I gazed into our old dining room, from the front porch door, I could see my Dad and I. How we’d sit at that old table on a cold winter’s night and sing.
Hank Williams Jr, Charles Pride, and my Dad’s, now priceless reminders and sometimes, his tears.
Back then, I hated those nights.
But in that moment, I now know why it all happened the way it did.
I’m learning, that as time passes, which is certain it will, all we have left to hang onto are the Memories.
The good ones, the bad.
The conversations, the lessons.
Hang onto them, my friends.
For one day, when that “old house” is crumbling and everything around you has changed, that is what you will have.
Standing there, in the driveway, with a smile on my face, a tear streaming down, and so much Gratitude in my heart.
For it all.
Don’t sweat the small stuff, for it too, will pass.
Everything is Temporary….except for the Memories….those are what last.🙏
This Thanksgiving and every day,
BE THANKFUL
and more importantly, TRUST IN HIM.
His plans are always more amazing than our minds could ever conceive.
Closing the Chapter of 507 forever.
Thanks for the memories and for being my shelter and this time, my Strength 💜.
It’s taken me awhile to get to the point that I can put my feelings into words.
Before publishing this post, I read it to my husband and had him sit down and “prepare”for it.
I read through what I had and he questioned why this was such a big emotional thing…
I explained to him that the simple fact I can type these words without sobbing uncontrollably, that’s the reason why it’s Big.
It’s this HUGE monster I have been carrying around.
I can finally release it, I can let it out.
It stays near, but it doesn’t have to smother me.
You see,
I’ve gone through an emotional war…
From feeling immense sadness, anger and helplessness for those that I love so dearly.
I’ve realized everything is temporary.
That was a difficult acceptance.
In my child’s mind, my comfort lies within routine and all things remaining the same.
It’s coming up on 2 years since I texted my soul sister.
Nothing crazy, just a hello that day.
She replied back with “I’ll text ya later, I’m in the ER right now”.
She went in for a terrible pain in her side.
It had been there off and on for awhile, but was unbearable that day.
It was October 1, 2020.
We lost her to liver cancer approximately 18 months later.
She was only 40 years old.
I still miss our daily text messages, even today. She was extraordinary and I don’t just say that because she’s gone on.
She truly was….Extra Ordinary…not like anyone I had ever encountered in this life.
Her life here taught me how much I was living in fear. It’s time to LIVE LOUD…like she did💜.
My lifelong best friend went in for stomach issues and was hospitalized last summer.
They told her it was diverticulitis.
Turned out on October 1, 2022, it was formally diagnosed as high grade serous carcinoma….essentially ovarian cancer.
She was 48 years old.
She’s still with us, fighting, inspiring, and somehow still changing the world around her.
Her illness has changed me, in ways I wasn’t expecting.
Her steadfast heart and grace astound me💜.
Another beautiful friend who went in for her first colonoscopy….they found colon cancer.
48 years young.
I hadn’t seen her in 30 years, so we decided this spring, it was time.
Time….never enough of it, yet our most precious entity.
Recently, a dear friend, his first colonoscopy at 55.
And now, Colon cancer.
My heart hurts.
And to be honest, I don’t understand.
It has thrown me down to the ground and taken the air out of my lungs.
Too young. Too soon. Too much.
Some friends don’t understand why I cancel every other coffee date with them, why I just “can’t “, when I am drowning underneath my loved one’s bad news on a scan, or celebrating a good day with them.
Time with them is of the essence.
They have a ticking bomb in their life..and we don’t know when it will go off.
It’s called Cancer.
I think it’s a demonic plague of our time and I wish it would just disappear like a storm cloud on a determined sunny day.
It’s so unexpected.
So destructive.
And yet, so beautiful…all at the same time.
How another life can impact so many has been made very clear to me the past 2 years.
To watch another human go through so much suffering, yet hold onto this unbreakable rope of hope.
To witness the gifts that unfold.
To inherit the desire to become a better soul.
To live more fully.
To cherish the simplicity of each breath.
There’s beauty in that. 💜
All of these occurrences have thrown my own mortality into a new perspective.
It’s as if fate brought a huge lemon meringue pie to a party and pushed it directly into my face, shoving it into my eyes, up my nose and literally choking me with a new reality.
I recently told fate to “Fuck off”.
I went back to what I can control.
And that would be every moment I am upright and breathing.
I began running and lifting again…absorbing empowering songs that speak to me at this point in my life.
“Each day’s a gift and not a given right.”
“Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind. “
“If today was your last day…..”
Nickleback, I thank you 🙏.
I feel this sense of urgency.
Tomorrow is not promised, and I know it never was.
But, what if we decided to REALLY LIVE today???
Like, think about this…
Meet Joe Black.
You were just told your time is coming to a close.
What would you do differently?
Would you stay where you are?
Is there Anyone you need to connect with, forgive, show up for?
Is the job you are working promoting happiness or are you on a never ending hamster wheel with no end in sight?
How do we LIVE like there’s no tomorrow?
By LOVING, FORGIVING, EMBRACING, INHALING, and LIVING for this moment…TODAY !!!!
Go on a walk and actually look up at the sky.
Stop and say hello to a stranger and make them smile.
Give.
Love.
And never lose your sense of wonder.
DO IT NOW✔️
Thank you, Lord, for placing these souls in my life and in my heart. To teach me, to strengthen me, and to help me see your wondrous works. I trust that with YOU, all things are possible. ❤️
The funny thing about life is we don’t realize how much time has passed until we sit back and reflect.
So many moments, opportunities…. and so much life gets wrapped into the lessons.
It is only when we are truly awake that we see all the beauty that has passed before us.
Throughout my healing process, it has been interesting to me to see the same thing or person, visit a familiar place, only to view it differently. It’s as if my eyes have been replaced.
My perception of my surroundings and how I view reality has been modified.
How I handle disappointment.
How I treat myself.
What I am willing to deal with.
What I am willing to accept.
And sometimes, remove from my life.
This past weekend, I was walking down the path to our lake. And another moment hit me.
I recall being here, but not going down to the water for some time because the stairs were not yet built.
It was a rocky, well worn path of dirt down to the water. And I didn’t want to trip.
Or fall.
Or feel pain.
I could recognize that the old part of me was speaking fear to the renewed me, but still I stood at the top, fearing defeat.
The earthiness beneath my feet and the lapping lake down below didn’t hold enough gratification for me to take that first step.
…until I did.
You see, as humans we want what we want.
Mostly, instant rewards and constant acknowledgement.
Just open up Facebook to see what I mean.
The posts about the engagement, the new job, or even just that someone did their laundry and what they made for dinner demand “wows” or likes. And, unfortunately, the same goes for me. I want to feel good. All the time.
After what felt like a lifetime of pain and chaos, all I yearn for is peace and stability, which I realize won’t always be available.
So, I cope.
I use my mechanisms to go beyond the old patterns. The old recordings. The old voices of the past that are hell bent to hold me back.
And I achieve.
I achieve without expectations.
I work hard to be better for the world and for me.
My latest strategy is to tackle and learn about anything that provokes fear or anxiety within me. I address it, jump into it and face it.
And then, magically, all of the power is taken from that uncertainty and built back up inside of me.
The difference in me has been the internal work. The work the world doesn’t get to see. The things I only allow my soul to applaud or sometimes to grieve.
I set boundaries. I set goals. I pray more and worry less, knowing my God has it all under His mighty control.
More often now than ever, I take that first step with much less hesitation.
I smiled freely as I ran up and down that well worn path the last few days.
Getting onto the boat, making memories with my family.
Running down it to sit and admire the sunset from the dock.
And at one time, walk down it slowly to thank God for the lesson.
I realized that hill no longer held any power over me.
Taking the first step when the road may seem unstable can be terrifying.
Believe me…I get it.
You’re unsteady, uncertain and it’s so much easier to stand up on the solid ground.
But what are you missing while doing just that?
You’re missing the adventure, the moments, the things you’ll tell stories about for years! The opportunities,
the JOY,
the gifts the world needs from you….now, TODAY!
Take that first step.
Whatever it may be.
You’ll begin to LIVE louder, LOVE harder, and LAUGH with pure certainty ❤️.
Cheers to you this Labor Day weekend and always.
May you find YOUR bumpy path and walk it with intention 🙏.
Blessings to you all, my friends.
Much love,
Linda 💜
The path between the goal and you is just One step away✅
It’s been awhile since I could find the words. They seem to have escaped my mind and mouth, although my heart is full of them.
There’s so much I still have to tell her, so many more years I planned to share.
We would talk about growing old and the four of us going on adventures when we were retired.
We were going to travel together once she felt better and cause all kinds of trouble 😉.
She was a rock.
An irreplaceable gift that God shared with me and so many others.
My soul sister.
And the beautiful light in her still shines on.
3 weeks ago, she passed on.
That’s 21 days.
And still, already it has been too long.
I miss my friend.
I miss our morning text messages more than I can say.
I miss the feeling of security and joy she brought to my life every day.
Really, I miss her in every single way.
Sometimes, I pretend she’s on vacation and she’ll be back soon to tell me all about her latest adventure. But, I know that day won’t come.
Death is so final, isn’t it? Like, you won’t get the chance to answer that call or have that moment or…anything at all.
I really hate that.
So, how do you move on when you have this hole in your heart?
When the person you shared your daily pieces of “life” with no longer is here?
I need an answer, because I don’t know.
I just keep walking forward, as she would do.
Even through her illness, she always put her loved ones before herself.
Throughout her entire battle, she always stopped to comfort, love and show up.
Her strength and dignity were astounding.
Whenever she got disappointing news, she kept on. She persevered. She had a warrior’s mindset.
Keep fighting, NEVER give up.
Last week, on vacation, I teared up many times, as I went to send her a picture or a funny experience and then I realized …she can no longer reply…. and I hate it.
It feels so unfair.
We had so much left to experience here!
Grief is such a mixed up emotion.
Some days we’re ok and others, we are a mess. I feel selfish at times for wanting her back.
One moment, we cry and ache inside and the next, feel empowered by the words or memories left behind.
My beautiful girl taught me so many lessons while she was here. Many, I didn’t even know about until she had left.
Love big.
Live loud.
Give freely.
She did them all.
I always wondered where she found the time or energy to be the beaming light she was to so many.
Her light was from within.
And her energy came from above.
She believed her purpose here was to Love.
To not “sweat the small stuff” as she told my daughter’s and I.
We had a girl’s weekend with her two weeks before she passed.
It was so hard for her, but she insisted we come. She wanted her “girl time” she said.
She fought through so much pain and discomfort that weekend.
And that light she exuded never dimmed.
I feel God reached down upon her that Saturday afternoon.
She had a very tough morning and we were concerned. After a nap, she woke up with an energy we only remembered. She made us her famous bloodies, requested some comfort foods and danced around her living room.
I dislike country music and she had put some on. When I reminded her of that, she cranked the volume and danced!
We talked about our lives, her adventures as a younger woman and played a board game she liked.
We laughed.
We cried.
And we had our girl back for that special moment in time.
When it was time for her to go to bed, she asked for one of us to tuck her in.
My daughters allowed for me to have that precious time.
Once I helped her get comfortable, we held one another’s hands and cried.
She was so very tired.
I asked her if we could pray together and she said she would love to.
So we grasped hands, so tightly we felt each other’s hearts beating and prayed.
We prayed for renewal, for strength and for His love to forever shine on her and her loved ones.
Whenever we prayed, via text or phone, we’d end with “We Believe “.
And we did.
And I do.
I moved up and whispered in her ear that I loved her. I told her she was the best sister I have her had and kissed her forehead.
She would always say,
“Love you more”.
When we left the next morning, that was my last embrace. And I knew it.
Her poor body was so tired. If it was up to her mind, she would have lived two lifetimes!
I will treasure that time with her for all of my days.
Even though she isn’t here with me, her love will always be a part of me.
I find comfort in knowing that maybe she was here as a great connector. Often times I’ll try to recall how I became friends with someone and remember that she introduced us.
If you knew her, you loved her and whoever she knew…you just assumed they were one of the good ones too.
My soul sister.
Her time here was too short, but what an impact she made.
To live life with the vigor and passion she did,
to give unconditional, abundant love to those she knew,
and to have the unshakable Faith of a mountain.
She showed us all how to be here.
How to “be here now”.
Your light with shine on, Kandice.
We will remember your grace and passion in all of we do.
In the friendships you planted between us all.
In the kindness, understanding and patience you gave so freely.
In the laughter we share for the times gone by.
And, in all the lessons of life you have left behind.
I’ll never stop missing your beautiful face, your infectious laugh and your love.
But I also know you are running with me, guiding us, and smiling with Jesus above.
Thank you for sharing a part of your life here with me.
Love you more, Soul.
“I Believe “💜
Love,
Your “fat bottomed girl” Linda
I dedicate this to my soul sister, my sister in Christ, and the best friend I have ever had, Kandice O’Brien Svec🙏
“The part of me that’s you will never die”
This is the last text she ever sent me. So very true….as she never did.
I woke up too late to go to the gym today, so here I sit, awaiting the sunrise so I can go on a run.
The run my body and mind have been craving. Lately, my head has been full and the best thing for that is running through the thoughts.
Funny how God knows just how to care for us, just what to do to expand us further into who we are to be.
The Potter and His clay.
So, this morning, I am His for the molding.
I see it’s been awhile since I have posted. Quite some time since I have had the time to let things stir inside of me.
It’s been a long winter.
A season filled with hope, silence and the secrets of blossoming. Time spent growing quietly, underneath the blanket of snow.
I, too, have been silently transforming.
So many beautiful things have been happening for and to me.
As I walk through each day, I continue to see so much.
I see so much light, darkness, success, struggle and love.
I see those who are suffering in circumstances they may not have chosen.
And I remember being in that place too.
This is my way of giving and letting you know “I see you” today.
I’m giving you some insight that there is a way, if you can stay focused and believe.
It seems like so long ago I began seeing a therapist for my past traumas. I went with the intention of securing my current relationship and clearing out the bad behaviors from a time gone by. I was seeking a fresh start, praying for new hope.
I didn’t realize He was listening and had something greater in store than I could have ever imagined.
He was making me new again.
Once beginning the therapy, we realized there were many unresolved issues lurking. So, the therapist and I decided to dedicate the sessions to me, alone.
Solo.
To dig deep and rid myself of the burdens I was carrying….for good.
She said it would take work and would be quite unpleasant.
At that time, I didn’t realize what I had agreed to.
We tore off the bandaids and revealed the wounds.
Wounds from a dark childhood, splattered with fears and disappointments.
We uncovered memories my younger mind had blocked.
In the midst of my healing journey, I was instructed to journal, as I felt comfortable.
I found it quite calming and started to write out my emotions and memories every day.
It was a way of cleansing and releasing the “shit”.
So, I did just that.
I counseled, journaled and released.
For almost a decade.
One of the hardest assignments of my entire life was the day we decided that it was time to let my family “pass”. The constant hurt, the pain of yesterday…and the present was more than my soul could bear.
In order to fully heal, my relationship with each of them had to be done.
For myself and future generations.
I realized it was was time to “break the cycle”.
I’m sure you’ve heard that phrase as often as I, but I certainly will never take it for granted again.
“Breaking the cycle” takes a courage you have to find from somewhere beyond yourself. You have to continually show up for the pain, get comfortable being alone, not fitting in, and most importantly….truly love yourself. ❤️
To reframe the future for yourself, your children, and grandchildren takes a love like no other.
After more than a decade, I have risen.
I have let go of my past and have healed from the pain. The pain that I didn’t sign up for, or ask to be a part of.
Now, I am grateful for it all.
My healing journey will soon be revealed.
To be given, in love, to those who need a lift.
To be shared with the other warriors of the world, fighting to keep their head above the muck of their circumstances.
You can rise, too.
I promise.
Remove one block each day.
Remove it and hold it in your hand.
Face it.
Acknowledge it.
And then, realizing it has no place in your future, release it.
By releasing the “shit”, it leaves room for all the good!
It allows for Joy to re-enter your life.
It creates space for love and understanding, Patience and continued growth.
My years of journals have become my first book, which I will soon share with the world.
A book of hope, healing and inspiration.
I created space the day I moved my mountains.
My mountains were my childhood, my family, and all of the resentment and pain.
The mountains were replaced with forgiveness, understanding and so much love.
Since then, I feel so much lighter.
What mountains are you carrying?
God will take them.
He’ll help you move them, just as He did for me.
I won’t lie, friends. It wasn’t easy. There were days and nights of tears, anger and so much sadness for what could never be.
There were times I wanted to go back because the road ahead was too hard. But, I walked on.
I gave my burdens to God and hiked up that mountain like it was a mound of sand.
Anything…..and, I mean Anything is Possible through Him.
Stay tuned for my release date and until then, take some time to evaluate your life and decide.
Decide if you want to continue on the path of least resistance and suffering OR is it time to take that long journey up the mountain and finally begin to LIVE??
Whatever burden you carry today, know there is Hope.
There is Power.
And there is a way to get to the Top.
Just keep looking up✔️
You have our God ready and willing to carry you when you can’t go on.
May your Monday be blessed and May your heart be at peace today.
I woke up this morning, thinking that I needed to blog about anxiety. I wasn’t clear why, until I realized it was World Mental Health Day.
My mental health journey has been an interesting one. From my family’s experiences, dear friend’s struggles, to my own battles.
I absolutely LOVE that we, as a society, are finally recognizing these struggles as illnesses. Maybe now, those who need the help will feel comfortable enough to seek it.
My journey with anxiety has been a lifelong one.
I’m starting to believe it could be environmental, hereditary and even possibly linked to poor nutrition.
I grew up in a very chaotic home as a child.
Early on, I was diagnosed with IBS, acid reflux, you name it. All because I couldn’t actually eat. I would try, but my body wouldn’t allow the food to be digested. Looking back, I now know, it was due to the crazy high amounts of stress my poor body was forced to endure daily.
I recall trying to go to kindergarten, and my Grandma insisted I eat something before I went. Sometimes, I could get down a couple spoonfuls of chicken noodle soup. Only moments later, I’d cry and think I was going to throw up. Many mornings, I walked to school chewing gum to calm my system.
I remember, as a teenager, feeling my heart beat out of my chest, as I walked home from middle school. I thought maybe I was out of shape, so I began to run the track and play tennis that summer. It helped, but I now realize, the exercise very likely calmed my nervous system and regulated my heart.
My adult life has been an array of “episodes “. That’s what I have grown to lovingly call them.
Each episode takes me to a place I have never ventured into before. But, through my unwavering faith and determination to beat this demon, I have learned so very much.
My purpose in writing this today is to help you or a loved one live with some of the same. ♥️
It’s a quiet battle, and sometimes shameful for some.
I often refer to anxiety as a demon. As it can feel like a monster at times. It seems to come out of nowhere, you try to fight it, but then…it grips you like a snake choking its prey.
And, there you sit, trying to frantically figure a way out of it’s suffocating grasp.
My first real bout with what I refer to as“insanity” was about 5 years ago, after an emergency dental surgery. I had an infection in my wisdom tooth and it had to be removed. I had never been put under before and was literally terrified to do so. I now know so much about my childhood and believe my health related fears stem from the lack of care in my formative years.
I was feeling pretty good about things until I had a reaction to the antibiotic I was on. I literally spun out of control.
I was petrified to live.
“What if it’s something else”, “what if this, that”….the anxiety was so strong, it kept me up for days.
I got better , got over it, learned a lot and moved on.
Until the next random wisdom tooth infection no more than 2 years after. That was worse than the first.
I describe my bouts with health related fear as terror.
I feel out of control, shaky, broken, and disheartened.
It’s like this black cloud that just won’t clear.
I moved through life for many years, healthy and calm, until this past summer.
Like I said, demonic.
It’s as if Satan is watching and knows you’re healthy, strong, empowered and all is well. It’s as if the snake is just watching…waiting to strike.
This past August, I had some unexpected, unexplained female issues that just didn’t add up to me. In following my intuition, I went to my Dr., thinking I was just over exercising. Only to be told I needed a uterine biopsy.
The word “biopsy” in itself caused mania to rise inside of my already taxed body.
Long story short, it came back normal and all is well…my last blog talks in detail about that journey. However, in between working, meeting with friends, grocery shopping, and putting on my best face for the world, there was darkness everywhere.
My husband, children, and in laws are humans I hold in the highest regards.
They know me and more importantly, love and accept me for who I am.
I am blessed beyond measure to have the support system that I do. Along with a few treasured friends whom I can be raw with.
And in total honesty, I am not sure I would I have gotten through this last battle without them.
After losing my Dad, about 4 years ago, I had an awakening.
In grieving for him, to the point of crying on my knees one afternoon, I was able to see why he lived the way he did.
That poor man was suffering.
In his generation, Men were supposed to be strong and not cry or feel, right?
Bullshit.
He didn’t have yoga, cbd oil, massage therapy, therapists, a huge support system, or the ability to talk about his demons.
I believe his intense, life altering anxiety drove him to alcohol. For, He needed the rest.
Unfortunately, the anxiety and inability to deal with, and manage it…took away the quality of his life. It destroyed his family, any friendships he tried to manifest, along with his ability to work.
My brother, Alan, also couldn’t take the noise. The kindest, most gentle man. The pain of others that he carried on his shoulders, the constant noise, the fear. Also, no support system, no way to find means to help him…he turned to antidepressants and vodka. The cocktail that he overdosed on one night that ended his young life. For 36 years, he fought the good fight, but the demon won.
After seeing this, recognizing these men’s struggles, even as a young woman…I was determined to win.
I have accepted the fact that this is my battle. We all have one. Or many. I will have to be on top of my mental, physical and spiritual health throughout my life….in order to live it fully.
My last episode, in August, has taught me the most.
Let me share…
My work led me into neglect of all the healthy things I know I must do. I said “yes” to a showing, instead of a massage. I said “yes” to a gin and club instead of green tea, in essence, I said “No” to my balance and well being.
The same day I called my Dr., I began a detox.
What I mean by that, is of everything unhealthy for me.
Acquaintances, foods, sugar, my running and intense exercise routine, saying “yes”, and the main detox was of my mind.
I left the hamster wheel for a period of time.
I got back to nature and rekindled my strong relationship with my God. I ate only healing foods, I stripped my life of the noise, and unhealthy friends.
Now, I get that not everyone has the opportunity to do these things. My career allows me to set my own schedule and I am so thankful for that.
However, August was a reminder.
It was a loud voice reminding me that my mental health is affected by multiple exterior elements.
Did you know that certain supplements help ease anxiety and depression? Did you know that just 30 minutes of exercise a day can boost your mood? Did you know that an epsom salt bath allows your body to absorb magnesium, which is a calming factor? If your hormones are off, your anxiety levels can spike? The list of factors that affect it are many!!!
I truly believe it was a wake up call from above and so, I listened.
My God told my body to whisper.
We have this one body that houses our precious soul. Why wouldn’t we put all of our energy, time and money into nurturing it more than anything or anyone else?
So, back to anxiety.
I have still managed, through my delicate diet, yoga and meditation practices, love for self, and protection of my time to avoid medication for my anxiety. I am not opposed to it, it is just what I prefer. I truly believe that our symptoms are warning signals from our bodies that something isn’t right, and I prefer to have those unfiltered.
That being said, I have close friends that have chosen medication, and it has enhanced their quality of life.
It has allowed them to show up, to work, and to get some rest.
I can only live my life with the knowledge and experience I have been blessed with.
I can only pray that those who battle the demons of mental illness realize that it’s OK!!!!
It’s so ok to not be ok!!!
We are human BEINGS….ever changing, growing and sometimes just trying to survive in an uncertain world.
Empower yourselves against the monsters by being proactive with your health!
In all ways, my friends.
My perfect prescription for overall well being is clean nutrition, weekly chiropractic adjustments, bimonthly massages, the proper supplements for your unique self, quiet time, yoga or meditation, exercise, sunshine, a strong support system, and your God🙏
There is power,
Peace,
And there is Hope when there is God💜
To all of the warriors….
I see you, I send my love to you, and I pray for you to have the courage to fight.
May the world know how incredibly strong we all are and may those who love us offer us understanding, kindness and grace.
I dedicate this blog to my brother, Alan and my Dad.
I miss you , I love you, and I promise to never give up✔️
1. Before I begin this, I want to Give all of the Glory to God, Our Lord and Savior.
The Almighty.
From whom all blessings flow♥️
2. Ladies, I want you to find a support system, an amazing Dr. that will actually LISTEN… and I want you to listen to the whispers.
Our bodies are always talking to us.
Did you know that?
From the tinge of pain, the occasional headache, the sleepless night, to the anxiety.
Always communicating.
It seems that the busier we get these days, many of us are not listening and that can cause problems in so many ways.
I sometimes picture myself, sitting in a circle of chairs with a group of women, ADMITTING…
“My name is Linda and I am Perimenopausal.
Ugh!
Who’s with me?!
I am 47 years old. A successful business woman, mother of 4, wife of a rockstar, and sometimes…
I think my body is attacking me.
I had a conversation with my youngest son some time ago. We were discussing health and supplements. Somewhere in the discussion, I said, “You know it’s not normal to be in pain…right?” Yet, so many people move through life in a cloud of Tylenol and Ibuprofen. Supplements include caffeine, Red Bull, or whatever gets them through the day.
Ladies and Gentlemen….this is not ok.
My menopausal journey has been pretty quiet. A few irrational days, a few extra products, a bit more emotional (although my husband may choose different words), and not much to “hear”.
I consider myself a proactive person in regards to my health. I attribute my all encompassing protection of my body to my childhood; as back then, my own health and fitness was the only thing I could control.
It’s gonna get a little graphic here, so if you can’t handle it, turn back now….
I had been telling my husband for a couple of months that I felt “off”. My emotions were out of whack, my body was extra tired.
Just off.
I have been training for a half marathon I planned to run in September and therefore, running 13-15 miles a week, along with 2-3 heavy duty weight lifting days on top. My job has been out of control for many months. Long hours, hectic schedule and all that good stuff.
Somewhere along the line, I stopped listening to her…she, my greatest treasure…the one who houses my soul.
The 2-3 cups of coffee weren’t kicking in, I wasn’t recovering from the workouts and the runs?….why wasn’t I improving? It was like I was always running uphill!!
A couple months ago, I started having “issues” after my weightlifting workouts. Breakthrough bleeding is what it is referred to. It is common for someone competing or really pushing their body to the limit, but I can assure you…I was not.
It happened a few more times. But, I had to keep training and so I pushed on.
Why, oh why do we do that ???
A couple weeks ago, it happened again and her whisper was loud.
Not only did I have that, but I felt as though I had gained 10 pounds overnight, had a headache I couldn’t shake and had the potential need for a bigger bra.
What on earth was happening?
Normally, I would push on and push it off onto menopause.
Google Perimenopause and you’ll find all those symptoms.
But, I chose to sit for a moment that Tuesday and just listen.
I called my husband to let him know what was wrong and we decided it was time to call my Dr.
I gave the nurse the rundown and was gently prompted to set up an ultrasound and a thyroid test
Wait, What?!!!!
I just have some breakthrough bleeding…I don’t have time for this.
And worse, could something be wrong????
My panic set in as I wondered what I missed. What did I do wrong to my poor girl?
Did I not love and care for her the way she needed me to?
Long story short, the ultrasound showed something that got the Drs attention and he ordered a biopsy of my uterus.
My thyroid also came back messed up.
Ladies, do you know how many hours I have spent on google the last few weeks and what that will do to you?!
Ugh.
But, I’ll tell ya what.
I also read an amazing book that I had recently pulled out of hiding. A book that my beautiful daughter shared with me years ago. But, when she gave it to me, I was feeling level and good, so why even read it right?
It’s called Woman Code.
And it was a gift from above.
Before my appointment, I read the whole damn thing.
It was incredibly eye opening.
I realize I am also experiencing adrenal fatigue…and if you hold a job, live a life, or are breathing and in your 40s, well, you may be too.
My point is we have to listen.
We have to love and respect the house of our soul.
Did you realize that what you are doing TODAY, for example, what you are putting in your body, how often you move it, and how you handle stress determines your future health?
So why are so many of ignoring the whispers?
She is talking to you all the time!
I am so grateful for my intimate relationship with my body. For my intuitive nature and for being proactive.
It’s been a long few weeks, my friends.
From the full day crying in my bed, the brain fog, and the dark what if’s.
I’m 47 and for the first time in my life, I was truly afraid.
I’m sharing this all here as I want to bring awareness to women all over.
Ladies, we have to slow down. We have to give our bodies what they need.
We have to remember that we know ourselves better than anyone.
And we have to listen to her whispers.
To double back, my biopsy was healthy and Clear. No precancer or cancer. Just some Perimenopausal ovaries short circuiting and confusing my body.
Praise you, Lord Jesus.
It was as if a heavy black curtain was lifted off of me.
And, so, that is where I have been.
In my head, under the covers in my bed, drifting through the present, and the what if’s.
I also was deep in prayer.
Sitting alone with God.
Walking with Him…literally.
Trying to find the lesson the Master was showing me. In His wisdom, so much gratitude and appreciation was brought to light.
An awakening.
For my husband, my health, my children, my beautiful friends and support system, my dog, my in laws and my mom.
For the friends who prayed with me, had lunch with me, and were open enough to share their stories with me.
And my Doctor.
He is one of a kind.
Listens, acts quickly and with compassion.
God is Good🙏
He may take us through some troubled waters, but never without His hand.
I also spent hours researching, reading, reaching out to other women, and thanking God for bringing me to fitness and running.
Who knows…maybe my workouts saved my life.
When my normal workout recovery was suddenly different, I heard her call.
I acted fast and my Dr did too.
Ladies, if you are over 40, get the check ups!!!!!
Take the time.
Do the research on adrenal fatigue and how it raises cortisol levels and suppresses progesterone.
Do the research on estrogen dominance.
Do the research on why your thyroid is off.
Why the irregularities?
The headache?
The fatigue?
It can just be Perimenopause, but man, oh man….what else could it be?
Through this, I remembered to allow myself Grace.
I give it to so many others. Why not me?
My plan is to go forward with gratitude, healing foods, lighter fitness goals, and float through my menopause journey with God as my pilot.
For He will direct my path 💜
God is Good, Ladies.
All the Time🙏
Check in with “her” today and again tomorrow.
Ask her what she needs, how she feels, what she’s missing.
And love her. Love her like she means everything to you. Because she is everything 💜
I texted a dear friend about a karaoke contest I was in.
The text I got back has forever changed the course of events.
She replied, “Can I get back to you? I’m in the ER.”
Later that month, she was diagnosed with liver cancer.
What has transposed over the course of 9 months is what I refer to as an awakening.
This is published with her permission and after her review.
I know a lot of people and I have seen a lot of things.
But the past 6 months have opened my eyes to who I am as a human, the impact I am leaving on this earth, and how incredibly precious time truly is.
We all talk about “living in the moment”, we share the quotes on Facebook about time, but until it knocks on your front door and you are forced to open it, it’s a bunch of bullshit.
We take it for granted every single day.
This past spring, we got the message that another dear friend of ours had fallen ill.
Mysteriously and suddenly.
I don’t even know how to pronounce or spell what his body has been stricken with.
He also has given me his permission and has reviewed this blog.
And once again, time was at the door, banging loudly.
I remember laughing with our secretary before our vacation a couple of years ago.
She never made it back to the office again.
While we were away, she drove herself to the ER, as she was in terrible pain.
She fought until the end….she allowed me to be a part of her intimate journey, and view the world through her eyes …and because of her battle and her deep faith, I was never the same.
Have you caught yourself saying “I’ll get to that later”, “I will meet for coffee another day”, “I’ll call to make amends another time”…
Later.
Another day.
Another time.
What has been revealed cannot be undone.
And what has been left undone…well, there is only so much time.
My eyes have a new vision, because of the journey of these 3 souls.
I have watched an ordinary Tuesday become the unimaginable.
A diagnosis is a stopwatch being started…the clock has started ticking and there is now a potential expiration of time.
We don’t always appreciate the time we have been given.
We are all so busy working towards retirement, running on the hamster wheel, or taxiing kids that life just seems to go on auto pilot.
Until the day you can’t do these things anymore.
There’s the unexplained pain.
The crushing fatigue.
The words that rock your world until you go numb.
I have always believed that God uses us.
Actually, it’s one of my daily prayers.
Each morning, I sit and pray,
“God, how would you use me today?”
He uses us in all sorts of ways.
From messengers to servants, guides, protectors, and ….Instruments.
And I believe these 3 souls are being called to show Us how to LIVE and how to value our TIME.
Early on, my husband told our dear friend that she had been given a gift.
The gift of SIGHT.
“You will now be able to see things in a way very few people will ever get to see them”.
Think of this.
Have you ever been given something that everyone had?
In this case, time.
We all have it.
And because it is so common and ordinary, you took it for granted or threw it away?
It is only when you can have just a small portion of it, or it is taken from you , that the true value is seen.
And then, it can be too late.
I want these 3 souls to know that they have made a difference.
I want the world to know that their struggles have impacted me.
And, because of them, my view of time has been forever altered.
I no longer hold back forgiveness, love or understanding.
I may not have enough time.
I no longer wait for the next opportunity, for tomorrow, or another day.
I may not have enough time.
I have never cared so deeply, appreciated so many small things, and used the words “I Love you” so freely.
My heart needed to share these words and their inspiration with the world.
Their struggles are being fought with Grace, Strength, Dignity, and a Faith that can move mountains.
And, I , for one, am in awe.
My faith has been transformed and I have been blessed to see our God at work in this world through the lives of these 3 extraordinary people.
And, I don’t know that I will ever witness such beauty again.
So, I dedicate these words to my beautiful sister, K.
To my brother, S.
And to my Jul, who I will never forget.
In my time, I hope you know,
Your life has forever changed mine.
For the eyes that may read this and the hearts ready to hear Him,
Look and Listen.
For the Instruments of His band are all around. ♥️
I’m not sure if you are familiar with Saturday Night Live and the legendary Chris Farley. A skit of his comes to mind as I begin this blog.
He’s finishing up and they have him on some contraption that suspends him above the crowd. He’s being hilarious and keeps saying, “I’m Flying, I’m flying”.
Recently, I have found my wings.
I woke and wanted to share empowerment this morning.
It seems like so long ago, but in the realm of a life, it really was just a moment. A little over a decade ago, I’m fairly certain I had a nervous breakdown.
I had recently divorced, had been in the midst of a custody battle and had distanced myself from my entire family.
I spent most of my days angry, envious, sad, and tired.
It was this kind of exhaustion I had never felt before and pray I never do again.
Then, one morning, after the kids went off to school and my husband to the office, I broke apart.
I still remember lying on the living room floor, screaming in tears, while my dog licked my face. I must have lied there for hours, sobbing and releasing years of pain.
You know how you have those times in life when it’s almost as if you’ve been punched in the stomach and the wind is knocked out of you?
You can’t breathe, but are suddenly calm. The blow happened so fast, you didn’t see it coming.
And suddenly, out of nowhere…..you are awake.
When I reflect on that morning, I refer to it as the day I answered the “call”.
I got up, made an agreement with myself and God….and everything started to change.
The last ten years have been a shedding process for me.
I came across a quote recently that was picture worthy and has made it to my bulletin board.
“We go through life, we shed our skins, we become ourselves “
It has been a process like no other.
I have found that once you make a decision, the universe, God, and all the guardian angels show up, ready for the battle ahead.
As I have shared in earlier blogs, I made a promise to myself to dig deep, get to the root of my suffering, and change.
It began with my counselor and confronting demons I had only covered up. I felt all the feelings and am only left with the scars now.
Then, I joined a gym and found fitness was this amazing release for my anxiety and anger. It was a healthy habit, unlike alcohol or food.
Then came running, clean eating, self awareness and accountability.
Shortly after my Dad passed away, forgiveness stepped in the door.
I had 2 coaches that were strong and brave enough to deal with me.
And the biggest influencer in my life, standing strong…my husband. This man is a rock and I truly believe, he was sent to me from above 💜
It’s amazing what resources and support can do for another human.
But the biggest game changer in the journey?
Belief.
Believing in yourself allows you to take on this whole other world. Huh, who knew?
Who knew that through the pain and suffering, I’d find myself.
All those years ago, all I wanted was to feel better and be better. I had no idea that trusting in Gods plan and allowing Him to guide me into where I needed to be and accepting who He brought into my life would lead me here.
I just kept saying “yes”.
Life is phenomenal and limitless if you let it be.
There are so many opportunities and so much happiness to be found.
The shitshow of 2020 gets all the credit for my latest evolution.
I can’t tell you how many times I have been told this in the past year.
“You’ve changed”.
At first, it startled me.
Like, “oh gosh, what have I done?”
I’m different? Oh no!
Will I lose friends, clients, my identity?
Yeah, I make myself laugh.
The silence of 2020, especially, around June and July, brought out a familiar form of me.
I recognized that the envious, angry, helpless Linda was emerging.
I watched as my clothes got tighter, from the crap I was filling holes with. I watched as my heart became harder and….you know what?
I stopped it.
I took action.
I went into my garage and began to lift weights. I fell back into the time when I was my healthiest and refused to become lazy in my pursuit of my best life.
I recall asking myself out loud, “ what if this is it?”
For a time, 2020 took away everything that really mattered to me and that was an awakening.
I also realized it cleared a path for me to be strong enough to weed my life garden.
I chose to only allow back in what would bring me closer to my life purpose.
I found this sense of calm…..This child like belief in myself again….and I remembered to LIVE.
That may sound very strange, but many of us are not alive.
We are muddling through each day, waiting for the dreams and the happiness to come to us.
I chose to find those things, even in the midst of the chaos.
I made a decision to be proActive in living happy and chasing down the dreams I had been waiting for.
Since last July, I have never been so fulfilled, felt so much power and am “healthy”.
Tony Robbins says we are either living in suffering or living in health.
Every day comes with challenges and how we decide to accept and address those challenges determines our “state”.
To live a life of health is not easy.
It comes with discipline, it involves difficult decisions and sometimes the hardest part is the shedding. The shedding of people. The shedding of limiting beliefs. The shedding of the shadow you once were.
We are not born to sit in a sedentary state. Just as a planted seed is determined to blossom into a flower, so are we!!!
Growth is uncomfortable for sure, but so very worth it.
I made my a promise to myself over a decade ago to make sure I lived a life of purpose.
I wanted to ensure that the pain I lived through as a child, all the lessons I had learned and all I went through was not in vain.
Growth is messy.
A blog isn’t the place to share the mess.
In today’s society, everyone wants the magic pill. The quick fix, the answer.
My first coach taught me that true change comes from within. Coaches, counselors, mentors are just facilitating. You must do the work.
And statistics show that when the work gets too hard, or in the way of the picture you have painted to the outer world, humans quit and go back to being who they were.
I didn’t.
I kept looking for more opportunities for growth.
My second coach and I were working out one day and I was telling him about my “goal”. He flat out told me that he was “excited to hear my words.”
Essentially, he called me a fraud. A poser.
I talked about what I would do but then never did anything.
He taught me that in order for true change to actually occur, one must take Action.
Anyone can SAY they are going to do something. But it takes a brave, determined soul to actually fucking do it.
So I did.
My latest coach is still teaching me.
He is showing me how to show up for opportunities, how to say “yes”, be bold, authentic and patient.
And, I am. 🐺
Here’s the thing, friends.
Change. Evolution. A piece of sand becoming a pearl.
That shit doesn’t happen because you have announced it on Facebook or told a few friends.
You don’t lose weight because you “said” you wanted to.
You don’t get the promotion because you “thought “ about it.
And you don’t run across the marathon finish line because you bought the awesome running shoes!
You must do the work.
Inside.
And, First.
Can I be real for a moment?
Shits only fucked up on the outside because of the garbage on the inside.
Give that bag of trash to God and start over!
A caterpillar doesn’t develop its wings for a very long time time.
They make a plan, prepare and go into seclusion alone to make the change.
And, when they emerge, they are majestic and beautiful.
The success is in the mess. That’s where we learn the lesson.
That’s where we find ourselves.
I am nearing the corner of the greatest part of my life.
Imago🦋
I am ready to grow, empower and Fly.
For the first time in 46 years, I’m leaving the parachute at home because I finally believe in my own Wings.
You wanna know a secret?
If you make a promise to yourself today, and do the work, you’ll grow wings too!!
Have a blessed day.
Dig deep, find your shit. Address it. Find the support of others. Learn from those who are already where you want to be.
And most importantly?
In the midst of it all, LOVE and LIVE like it’s your last day.
RENOVATE AND RISE 