Ahh…the first day of school.

The anticipation,the excitement,the nerves.

All so familiar.

I don’t know about you, but I remember it as if it were yesterday.

Getting up early to do my hair (leaving a cloud of Aquanet hairspray behind me)…I grew up in the late 80s, ok?!, trying on outfits the night before, wondering, not sleeping….the anticipation of a new beginning.

I also had to schedule in time to clean up after my parents, walk to the grocery store with Mom for another 12 pack of beer, and of course…break up any fights that may arise.

Truly, I couldn’t wait for school to begin.

It was my “safe” place.

Normal people, calm environments, and the one place where I could focus on just me.

I remember lying to my teacher in 6th grade, as I happened to be the only student without a backpack or supplies. Why? Well, “because my parents had been on vacation of course and had gotten back late.” NOT because they spent their money on alcohol and forgot I existed.

I remember one year, getting up early, getting dressed and walking to elementary school…not for any reason other than I ASSUMED it was the first day of school.

I didn’t want to miss a beat.

As I got older, I vowed that if I ever had children, they would never be without new clothes or supplies to start their year. I kept that promise… to this day. I also managed to make sure other children had what they needed for their success as well.

I must admit, I do go a bit overboard… but a few extra pairs of shoes never hurt anyone right?

Today I watched my youngest child walk out the front door, to her car, to drive herself to school. The school she will graduate from this June.

My last “leaf ” is starting to change color, in Preparation for her Fall.

That’s a pretty big thing to swallow.

I feel like my oldest just got on the bus to go to Kindergarten….a few years ago???!!

But, time has passed. And quickly at that.

From the hands to hold to the college dorms to move in.

I feel like summer has once again changed into Autumn without my permission. And once again, I’m not ready.

I was sitting under my favorite tree, in our backyard, enjoying a bonfire this weekend. The sky was clear and I swear the air was completely still.

I arched my back to look up above me, to see that beautiful tree.

And it hit me. Look at the layers of leaves. Every year that is has grown, a new layer of leaves, there seemed to be.

Imagine all the storms, the winters, the hot suns, the people it had provided shade to.

Imagine it’s journey.

And how many times did it’s leaves change and fall, only to grow and become even taller again?

It made me well up as my children’s faces came into my mind.

I could see the oldest with his airplane jumper on, running about.

He’s my Tall Pine.

Steadfast and true.

He remains the Rock for the family, yet cheers us on, watching us grow. He’s 23 now. And a man I am proud to call my Son.

My “Steel Magnolia” daughter.

I pictured her curly brown hair, dancing about with her little hands,eating raisins.

She is beauty.

The tree that stops you in your tracks, but has a spirit of steel.

She started grad school this week and is one of the most resilient women I know.

My charismatic dreaming tree.

The one who walks to the beat of his own drum, has a heart of gold and never gives up on his beliefs.

His potential is limitless, as well as what he will do for those he loves. He started college this month.

And my weeping willow.

I pictured her long, flowing hair, standing strong in who she is. Sheltered by her long branches on the outside, but always protecting those she loves, beneath her shade. When she sets her mind to something, watch out. She will become her dreams.

So, I sat there. Thinking of how fast their layers grew. I never realized how fast the leaves change, the seasons turn and time goes on….

Until I took a moment to sit with my memories today.

Time is interesting. It has a way of taking control. You think you have so much of it, until it’s gone. You think that day will never come and then it does. And it’s over, in the blink of an eye….kind of reminds me of a Midwestern summer.

So here’s to the first day. Of school, college, that new job, the start of the new relationship, the journey of life.

Every experience.

Every mistake.

Every day shines a new light through the leaves of the trees.

They stay grounded in the storms.

Their branches sway, but rarely break and when they do, they grow some more.

Like anything successful and strong in this world, it needs a solid foundation.

Deep roots.

….And wings to fly when the Autumn breeze beacons.

Let the leaves change color, as they will when they want and without our permission.

Let them fall down, only to be more vibrant the next spring.

And every once in awhile, take a moment to look up and see how amazing those “trees” have grown to be💜

This one is dedicated to the reasons for the breath I take each day when I awake and the reasons I always try to be a better me.

Love to my 4 souls.

Much love,

Linda

(And Mama,too)❤

I recently had an “ah ha” moment when browsing through one of my old journals. Reflecting on life, triumphs, struggles and how many things have changed.

I came across an entry from a couple of summers ago, about my beautiful little girl.

She was going into her sophomore year of high school and wanted to try out for the volleyball team at her school.

The school that she attends is very competitive and not everyone will make the team.

Practices start weeks before tryouts even occur and they are hours long.

She decided to go for it and push through.

One day, as I picked her up for her lunch and hour long break, she broke down.

She was halfway through the process, could barely sit down, walk, and was exhausted from the physical strains of it all.

She sat in my car, in the driveway and said, “I don’t want to go back today, I don’t think I can do this.”

We talked a bit and I proceeded to ask her why. She said,” I’m scared and I don’t want to get cut again this year.”

You see, she had tried to make the team her freshman year and didn’t….. and it was almost unheard of to come back and try again.

I asked her why she wanted this. She said because she loved to play the game.

“But what if I fail, Mom?” “What if I don’t make it?”

I looked at her and calmly replied, “So…make it”.

“Put your mind to it and make the team!”

She went back to practice that day and to tryouts that week.

She did it!

She made the volleyball team!!!

She said “Yes” to her goal and did it.

We were elated. She had remembered how strong she was and what she was capable of doing, if she set her mind to it.

That’s power.

Then, there’s my older daughter. One of the most determined young women I have met.

She sets her mind to something and it is accomplished. I have seen it over and over again.

“Mom, I’m going to go to college(a first generation student) and make an impact on the world.” “I want to help people”.

This is something she has told me since she was 4 or 5, performing “fake” surgeries on her friends with her costume glasses. “Fixing” people.

I believed her, but did she believe?

Yes she did.

She graduated from college in 3.5 years, with honors and now will be starting grad school this fall…going on to help others rehabilitate.

I couldn’t be more proud.

She is doing what she set her mind to. She has given herself “permission” to go after her dreams.

She was afraid, excited and a little unsure, but she wanted something much more than her fears.

So she did it!

I often find that we all seem to want more than what we have, to achieve more than where we are at, but for whatever reason….we don’t.

Why????

We sit and watch the game changers take the lead. We wonder how they did it. We wish we would have just said “YES”.

I’m here to tell you that you can be and do and go farther than you think you can.

My current goal is to say “YES” to anything and everything that scares me….within reason, of course.

I challenge myself to say yes to the things that give me butterflies. I reach for the goals that make me uneasy. I go after the dreams that are God given…you know them….the ones in your heart and mind when you are alone.

The dreams that seem unattainable….until you look back 5 years from now and realize you are living that very dream.

I will not sit by and observe any longer.

I am a GAMECHANGER too💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

One of my daughters favorite books is below.

Molly Lou Melon.

Molly Lou overcame obstacles, moved forward and said Yes to what made her happy!

It made such an impact on my oldest daughter, that “SO SHE DID” is kind of her trademark😉

Ill leave you with this.

Be brave.

Be afraid.

Be uncertain.

That’s all ok. The most important part is to get up, in the midst of the vulnerability, and do it!

Whatever “it” is!!!!

SO SHE DID💜

There’s power in giving yourself permission.

Much love,

Linda 🦋

Every summer, around this time, I start feeling impatient.
I cannot wait for autumn!

The cooler weather,the beautiful leaves, first day of school, and things just seem to slow a bit. Ahhhhh…..Autumn.

This year really isn't that different, although as I lay in bed the other night, it occurred to me that it will be.

I am a Mama, through and through. Whenever asked what my favorite "job" has been, my greatest success in life, or what I love the most….it is being a Mama💜

As my children have turned into teenagers and young adults, I have had to learn to "let them go"…just a little bit.
Later curfews, more time with friends and the understanding that they are individuals.
Although it has been difficult…..it has been more amazing watching them fly.

I go to bed pretty early most nights, as I wake around 4am, to prepare to workout.
9-9:30pm to be exact.
Sometimes the kids are still at work or with friends.
I fall asleep, but not truly asleep until I know my babies(who are now 16 and 18), are safe and sound at home.

So we have this routine where when they arrive, they knock on my bedroom door.
The knock typically scares me. But they say they are home and "I love you" and then I am able to fall fast asleep.
May seem odd, but it's so comforting to me. And who knows? Maybe even to them.

The last couple nights, after my son has arrived home, have kept me awake.

I realized the seasons were changing once again.
Wasn't he just starting middle school?????
And so it's time for the leaves to fall….

He starts college and moves in a couple of weeks.

The other night it hit me. How many more times will he be here to knock?

Huh. Kinda brings a tear to my eye.

There won't be many more.

Now granted, I still have my beautiful 16 year old at home, but it still stings.
I will wonder if he is safe. I will wonder if he needs me.
Until the season allows ME to change and accept.

The reason I am sharing this is that I thought about the changing seasons, as I was laying awake the other night, after the knock on my door.

We want winter to hurry along, we wait impatiently for spring. Summer flies by, and then we look to Autumn for change.

What if we just enjoyed it all?
The change of "life's" many seasons.
What if we lived in each moment, not anticipating what comes next?

What if we inhaled the cold air and went on those late night walks in the blizzard?

What if we sat up past midnight by the bonfire on a cool Autumn eve?

What if we looked at every single KNOCK on the DOOR as another opportunity to live?

Now, soon, I won't have to wait up for the kids to arrive home. But, I'll tell you this.
I won't take for granted the times they kept me up talking until late at night.
The times they were sick and needed their Mama.
The moments when they were young.

It's all beautiful, friends.

It's all this turning, beautiful, untouched mystery.
It's called life.

Enjoy the seasons of life like you never have before this year.
Inhale.
Reflect.
Take time.

Because you never know when the last leaf will fall. 🌳

And don't forget to listen for the knock….I know I will be 😉

Much love,
Linda 💜

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
There could not be a more meaningful sentence this past week.

How do we, as humans, souls made up of energy and love, find the strength to sit back in some moments in life and "let things happen"?
Well, often times we don't have a choice.
I have been faced with some situations in my life that are teaching me how to take control over myself, instead of trying to control the situation, as I am learning….I can't.

It's a hard pill to swallow as an empath, to watch those that you love walk into a fire.
They are fanning a flame, trusting it will all work out, when your experience has proved otherwise.

You want to throw a fire proof blanket around them, throw water at them, scream at the top of your lungs and let them see the ladder you are clearly holding…beckoning them to come down….I am here to "save" you.

But I am slowly understanding….and accepting….that some things in this life have to be felt and experienced by the person, in order for them to feel the pain, realize their situation and then they can grow and move on.

I can't stop them from walking into the fire, but I can stand back, so that I don't get burned.

Life has a funny way of coming full circle.

I have always felt that I lived through my circumstances as a child so that I may "save" others from the same pain.
"Here….learn from me, let me show you how I survived, take this rope…..I will pull you up."

And then, even with all that "power", I can't stop those that I love the most from being "burned". And that paralyzes me.

So, just the other day, I wrote down something that was a game changer for me.

"I have decided that I can't stop them from getting hurt. That is how we grow. I can't control their decisions or how they live their lives, but I can control me.
I get to decide how I want to feel, the circumstances I will put myself in the midst of, and who I allow into my life."

I took back control of ME.
There's power in that, my friends. So much freaking power.

I can allow my loved ones to go, and be, and live. Knowing full well they will get burned again. It's just a matter of time. But, the freedom for me is that I will be safe. Because I have stepped back and protected myself from the fire.

"God grant me the serenity"….the peace.
"To accept"…..which is so very hard.
"The wisdom"……which comes from experience.
And, "the courage"…..something I will need to pray for every day.

I can do it.

Sometimes you just need to let it all unfold, as you stand back and watch it burn.

I will maintain my role, my standards and my morals. And when the destruction is left behind, I will clean up the debris and put everyone back together…..as I have done so many times. It's the empath in me.
We feel everything, sometimes too much.

At the end of the day, I write this to empower. Me, you, us all.

In order to find your clarity, your strength, your peace in any given situation…..you MUST take back control over the only thing you have control over in this life.
That, my dear friends, is YOU 💜

Renovate and Rise🦋

Much love,
Linda 💜

We rented a pontoon this past weekend. It’s something we do each summer. We enjoy the time on the water; laughing, snacking and just “being”with family and friends. 

We picked it up Friday night and headed out Saturday afternoon. That day, it was just my husband, my dog and I. 

Perfection. 

There is nothing more relaxing to me than the sound of the waves hitting the boat, the breeze and the sun on my face. 

We drove to one of the lakes we love and put the boat in, only to find that it wouldn’t start. After much trial and error, we figured out why and got it going. 

What a Relief!

As we were slowly making our way out into the middle of the lake, the clouds started encircling us. I saw lightning in the distance and the wind picked up. 

The “perfect storm” for me…… I can’t swim and I am not a fan of storms….. And here we are…..in the middle of the water. 

I got nervous 😩. 

I sheepishly started looking for the life jackets and stressing out a bit. I sat down, relaxed, and then remembered one of my favorite bible verses. 

Everything will be fine. 

I thought of how Peter walked on water towards Jesus, but as he became afraid and panicked, he started to sink. Once he put his focus back on Jesus, the winds ceased and the waters became calm. 

All was well.

That sparked something inside of me that I feel I need to share. 

Many years ago, while reading the Bible my Grandma had given to me, I found that verse. And it was so empowering. 

I hadn’t thought of it in awhile, until Saturday. 

We can jump. We can try new things. It’s ok to take a chance. We always have something bigger than us to “catch” us. 

If we “fall out” of the boat, God’s got us. Think of the power that gives each one of us!

Many times in life, we find ourselves in the middle of a storm. Sometimes it feels as though there is no relief in sight. 

But, there is….we just have to go “through” the rain and wind first, to grow and appreciate the sunlight. 

What I have learned, over and over and over again, is this…

The whole time the lightning is striking, the wind is blowing and you are trying to control the situation (by reaching for a life jacket), Jesus is already walking towards you. 

He knows just what to do. 

He’ll lift you out of the water, he’ll dry your eyes and He most certainly will calm the storm.
The other spin on my thoughts this past Saturday revolve around taking chances. 

“Jump” came to mind. 

Just jump.

 One of these times, I’m just going to jump into the water and swim. What’s the worst thing that could happen? What am I so afraid of?

I don’t know. You see, I don’t know how to swim(at all)and even though I LOVE everything about the water, the unknown parts of it paralyze me. So, I decide to stay safe and dry…in the boat. 

Sounds a bit like life sometimes,hey?

  The depth, what’s lurking in it, will I sink…or would I swim?

I believe it’s ok to try. Even if you need to take it slow. 

As with everything in this beautiful life, I have recently learned to just “jump”.

 Just believe. 

I know that whatever I do, whatever I decide, I can jump into the unknown with the knowledge that it will always be ok. God will catch me. 

If you want to excel, you have to get uncomfortable. 

If you want to succeed, you have to do today what others won’t, so you can do tomorrow what others can’t. 

And, if you want to walk on water, you’re gonna have to GET OUT OF THE BOAT!

Best advice ever. 

And yes, I’ll take it. 😉

Go after life and your goals like you can already walk on water, like the storm will be stopped for you to pass, and like you are a champion swimmer. 

Jump. 

We all have a lifeguard, just waiting to rescue us. 

Step 

Out

Of

The 

Boat 🚣 
Much love,

Linda💜

When I was a little girl, I would always try to be “better”. 

“Better”,meaning….stronger, faster, smarter, more resilient….a “new” me at the beginning of each week. I didn’t like the heaviness of home and life around me.  I wanted more light. More love. Less darkness. 

 Until recently, I never really knew WHAT I had been trying to do. 

I was Growing. 

Now, I’m not talking in height or in age, but legitimately Growing….changing, emerging, evolving. Fighting through the “dirt” to be the best me. He was putting me through challenges to build my soul up. Life truly wasn’t holding me down, it was how it was meant to be. I had to look up and believe in the process. Believe in the power of hope. And learn to lean on something bigger than me. 

I remember being young and deciding, on a Sunday night, as I lay awake in bed, that “Tomorrow, I will be kinder, I will try harder, I would be better than today”.  And I remember feeling nervous and somewhat anxious. I wondered what that would take. I didn’t want my circumstances to hold me down. I had always felt a pull and somehow knew, if I followed that guide, I would be ok. 

And God said Grow. 

So, I did.

I rose above each circumstance. I chose to be different than my family and my surroundings. I fought to become who I was meant to be. 

And God said Grow. 

I recently reflected on the person I used to be just a few years ago. I remembered how I would react to different situations, how I treated others, what I GAVE(and held back) to those around me. I realized I have changed significantly. 

Reflection is a beautiful tool. 

As I reflect, I can see how much easier some things have become because of my willingness to surrender to what is.  

I have become more giving, I have learned more in the last few years about myself than ever before, and the best part? I can actually see that I have Changed. I have changed in ways I can’t explain. My outward appearance is evident, but it is because of the evolution within. 

In surrendering to the picture I had created in my mind, I am able to live the life I am meant to. And it has proven to better than any of the scenarios I imagined. 

Many years of sadness, resentment, feelings of blame and abandonment have been “weeded” out of my soul(my garden). Many more good things, empowering people, challenging experiences, and light have entered in. And I can see it now. 

I never fully understood why God had “put me through” the 18 years of hell. I think I am a great person, so why would he make things so hard for me? I used to be aggravated by the fact that he or she had an easy life. So why didn’t I ?

Not so long ago, I asked God “Why?”  Why couldn’t I? Why didn’t He? Why?

Now, I know. 

In every extraordinary, in every horrific, in every breathtaking, in every heartbreaking experience….He was helping me to Grow. 

I wouldn’t be the Mom I am today if I hadn’t been an orphan (in many ways). I wouldn’t be the wife I am if I hadn’t gone through a difficult marriage and divorce. I wouldn’t have the intimate desire to empower the lives of others if I hadn’t lived THROUGH the nights of unimaginable chaos and pain. 

We have to go THROUGH it in order to GROW. 

And what I know is that all along the way, I was never alone. 

He was guiding me. He was walking beside me. And many times, He was carrying me. 

I won’t ever say it was easy. I wouldn’t ever want to replay it or go back in time. But, I get it now. 

Every experience, each day (whether good or bad), is for the GREATER GOOD. 

Not only have I been able to be enlightened, but I have evolved and emerged. I am closer today to being the person I was born to be. 

A light giver. 

A game changer. 

A believer. 

This life is astonishing….if you wake up and look around. And I mean WAKE up and SEE the beauty in each event. In each person you encounter. In each struggle. 

Every hand we touch, every word we mutter. We are impacting another soul. 

So, the next time you are struggling or feeling down about your circumstances, look up. 

Look up and hear these words, friends. 

And God said, GROW 🦋

He won’t leave your side. This, I know. 

“Your time as a caterpillar is over. Your wings are ready”. 

Much love,

Linda 💜

This past Monday was an ordinary day. 

I woke up, drank my delicious cup of coffee, did a workout, and caught up on all of my work from the previous week, when we were on vacation. 

That afternoon, I realized we had not checked the mail for a few days. So, I walked to the mailbox with my pup (who loves “getting the mail”). He always proudly carries one piece back to “Daddy” or his “babies” each time. He truly thinks it’s his job. It’s quite adorable. 

As I opened the box, to pick up the mail, I noticed an envelope with my name on it….my maiden, my name from my first marriage and current last name. Hmmm. Odd. Then I saw who it was from. 

My parents. 

I also noticed the writing on the back that said, “Dad said you can’t buy happiness”…….should I even open this?

Yes. 

I am strong enough. 

May seem like an odd response to many, but I grew up in a very abusive, chaotic family. Alcoholism, emotional/verbal abuse, and lived through days that felt like an eternity. I discontinued the toxic relationship with my parents and siblings almost 8 years ago. So, a letter from them sets off a fight or flight response in my body. 

Danger up ahead. 

I had to remove myself and my children from my family in order to “save” myself. I would get healthy and be strong and then go to visit, only to encounter the old habits and ways and be pushed back down. 

I deserved more than that. 

My children, future grandchildren and husband deserved more than that. 

Sometimes you have to distance yourself to save yourself. 

Someone recently said to me, “You haven’t forgiven your parents…if you truly had, you would go see them and talk to them”. First of all, you are ignorant for ever saying something like that! You have no idea what I lived through. And forgiveness is a personal, intimate item. 

I wasn’t angry with the person, just disappointed by their lack of knowledge and the fact that they had the audacity to assume such a thing. 

I have found that forgiveness is like opening up an already infected wound, pouring salt in it and reliving the experience that gave you that scar with dignity and acceptance. That person truly didn’t have a clue. 

And that is ok. 

I HAVE forgiven my parents years and years ago. I had to release the anger, blame and resentment in order to be healthy. 

I pray for them daily, ask God to somehow let them know they are in my thoughts and sometimes even whisper that I love them and miss them, as a tear falls down my cheek. 

I watched the movie, “The Shack”, and one of the quotes calmed me. “Forgiveness does not create a relationship”. 

That was huge for me. 

Forgiveness is the act of letting go….it doesn’t mean I have to go back. 

So, when I opened this letter the other day, it was ok. 

It started the way I would expect it to. Blaming, shameful, anger ridden. Why hadn’t I called? who did I think I was, they even wanted things they had given to me as a child, back! 

I read it once. And again. And instead of reacting the way I would have years ago, I sat down in my porch and said a prayer for them. 

I realized at that very moment, that I DID do the right thing all those years ago. They would never change, so I had to. I had to remove my soul and my life from theirs.  And, at that moment, my decision to separate was reaffirmed. 

I told one of my friends about the letter and they mentioned “Collateral Beauty”.  How true. 

All the pain, the struggle, the release. I see it now…being so far removed. 

I called my mother in law to read the letter to her. She stopped me in mid sentence, out of surprise, as my voice was so calm. I said, I’m actually ok….They can’t hurt me anymore. 

Years ago, a letter like this would have shaken me to my core and debilitated me for days. The guilt, the blame, the Shame. All because they are so wretchedly unhappy with who they are. People who are hurting, want others to hurt as well. 

This week’s lesson is about Personal Power. 

I wanted to share this very private occurrence to show anyone who needs this, that if you practice self love, discipline, and respect for your own heart and soul, you will gain strength and POWER over the people and “demons” in this life that try to destroy us. 

I wrote the poem below, many years ago….when I let my family go. I thought I’d share it today, as I was reciting it in my head, as I walked away from the mailbox the other day. 

I also looked up at the blue skies, gave all the glory to God and said out loud for all to hear…

I AM STRONG ENOUGH 💪🏻

Their words can’t hurt me anymore💜

Be true to you. Love yourself. Always. 

You never know when you’ll have to “muscle” through a “fight”.
Much love,

Linda🦋

Over the past 8 days, my husband and I have been in 7 states!  We don’t call our trips “vacations”, but we consider them to be adventures. 

We always end up exploring, getting into places that others wouldn’t try to, meeting amazing people and literally having an Extraordinary Adventure. 

This past week has not disappointed us!

We started in Illinois, then Indiana. Then headed to Kentucky, Tennessee, North Carolina, West Virginia and now Louisville, Kentucky until we end our journey back home. The reason for the trip was to pack up my son in West Virginia and move him home (I am beyond excited to have him near me!!!). So our thought process, as with most things in life, was to ride our motorcycle, explore our beautiful earth and “Enjoy the Ride”.

Not only have we been “thrill seekers”….riding the famous Dragon’s Tail, the Blue Ridge Parkway and leaning and gliding on our cycle (more times than I can recall), I have been awakened. 

One of the days, we stopped to walk along a skinny footbridge so we could inhale the beauty of these huge rocks and water rapidly flowing. It was serene and untouched. Amazing. 

Another day, I experienced these intense curves and turns and was able to feel the energy of hundreds of others riding so freely.  The Dragon. 

But, the icing on the cake for me came out of nowhere. 

I’ve always heard people talk about the magic of the mountains and how they were moved by them. I think that’s awesome and all, but I didn’t get it. However, I had never actually driven through them, been that close…..to God. 

As we rode along the Blue Ridge Parkway, I looked ahead and anticipated more curves, looked down to realize how high above the trees we were and got a little tense 😬. My mind started racing and I stopped seeing and taking in the beauty. I just wanted to know when the ride would be done. 

And then, what felt like out of nowhere, we came upon another overlook. 

Before we stopped, I was ready to jump off. I kind of felt like a kid, full of excitement. I couldn’t wait to walk the trial to see what everyone was taking pictures of. This place was different. Something was stirring inside of me. 

It was AWESOME. Breathtaking. Amazing. Beautiful. Humble. Majestic. God given. Hand molded. 

At that moment, I truly felt His presence all around me, in an enveloping way that I can’t put into words. 

He was there. In front of me. To the side of me. Above me, towering over me, and holding me. 

My fears were lifted. My heart felt like it would explode and this immense calm blew through the trees. I swear you could feel it, like a warm shower. 

I didn’t know what I was experiencing, but I just knew I had to stop and stare. 

This was a moment He made for my husband and I. 

I needed to honor it, for more than a moment. I had nowhere to be. No errands, no clients to meet, no laundry to put away. 

It was time to just BE and feel His glory. 

I get it now. 

The magic of the mountains. The enormity of what we have been given. 

I felt so small and yet so incredibly special, a piece of the puzzle that He created. 

That moment will last a lifetime. I will carry the peace and the sense of gratitude in my heart always. 

And all I could mutter to my husband was “Thank you, Lord. Thank you “, as I wiped the tears away from my cheek. 

His lesson that day? In the midst of my greatest fears(heights and the unknown). 

“Don’t anticipate the curves, Don’t look down. Just sit back and ENJOY the RIDE!”

He created mountains, painted masterpieces for our eyes to see…..I’m pretty sure He can take care of ME❤

“There’s a lesson around every corner”

Much love, 

Linda💜

“I will beat her. I will train harder. I will eat cleaner. I know her weaknesses and her strengths. She is going down. I know her well. 

She is the OLD me. 

That was my phone screen, my daily reminder, the first motivational quote my coach sent me….12 weeks ago.

 I beat her.

 For the first time in 43 years, I won the battle over my mind. 

The dress in the picture below is so symbolic for me. It’s A petite XL. Kind of ironic, I’d say. It’s measurements are equal to a size 14/16. 

Now, I never really used to get hung up on a size. It’s just a number, I thought. Until it was me. You see, I’m down to a size 6, almost 4. And what I have “gained” in the loss of weight is more valuable than anything I have ever learned…and I truly mean that. Ever. I am becoming self aware. 

In an effort to take control of my mind for a BAG(Big Audacious Goal) I have, my coach and I decided this would be step 1. We needed to take control of my thoughts, so my body can do what I want it to. 

I went on a 90 day “diet” last year, so this second round should be a piece of cake. Well, I thought wrong. But, one weak moment in week 9, there was a piece of cake..an amazingly moist marble piece. I devoured it, brushed myself off(crawled to my coach to confess) and kept on going. 

This last nutritional journey was a rough one. My trainer, husband, close friends and children can attest. I was a bear for about 30 days, while my body withdrew from carbs, sugars and mostly from dependency. I never realized how emotional my eating habits were! 

Bad day at work=Chinese food. Happy= “Let’s go have a beer!”  Sad,excited,tired, envious,any other emotion known to man=SUGAR!!!!!!!

Now, try to imagine living life, with all of those emotions, and for the first time in 43 years, being stripped of your security blankets and forced into feeling these things. I mean, really feeling them. Sitting with my water bottle and gum and feeling sadness, happiness and fear. Kind of cool, actually. Especially the first time I acknowledged what was happening. 

I have learned self discipline, self worth, and have opened(and closed)some interesting wounds from my childhood as well, some I didn’t even know still existed. One of the most interesting parts of the journey was when I started acting cold and actually feeling anger towards my coach. I was hungry, dammit. Why wouldn’t he just let me eat what I want? I thought he wanted what was “best” for me?

 We had an interesting phone conversation one afternoon. I told him I wanted to QUIT. This is too damn hard. He said,”You told me to never let you quit, so you’re not going to”. I went on to say I could do whatever I wanted…I sounded like an 11 year old girl, really. And at that moment, I was. I remembered my Dad and how there wasn’t any food at home. I remembered the ache in my belly. I told my coach I didn’t like feeling uncomfortable. I realized that I lived a very comfortable life and I wanted it back. He reminded me of my WHY and all of the success I had to date. But I wanted to eat what I want, when I wanted…..and then we talked psychology and what the need for these foods really meant. 

And then I remembered my WHY. 

This time, I was restricting my intake for growth and taking control back of me. In opening up, I felt an old familiar emotion. Hunger, coupled with Anger. You see, as a child, I was hungry a lot. And….dry spaghetti noodles don’t often do the trick, just as the shakes don’t. You are starving. And I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t know that I have actually been truly hungry in many, many years. 

 I was so angry at my coach for not “taking care of me”, but he actually was. He was doing the exact thing I had hired him to do…..help me take control of my thoughts, so they can longer control me. I finally realized my block was the fact that I had not let go of some childhood fears and once that happened, I was in control and on my way. 

I was reminded that I’m not the scared, 11 year old girl anymore. I am a grown woman with total control and I am CHOOSING this, it’s not being forced upon me. 

Once I changed my PERCEPTION of things, it all became so much easier. 

There isn’t enough time in a day to share all that I have learned from this journey. But, I know I have changed. I feel it inside. It’s like the seed that’s planted quietly in the late spring. It absorbs the rain humbly, warms itself with the sunshine and then , POOF…it blooms! It hasn’t bragged of it’s blossoms, because only that tiny seed knows all it has overcome to see the light. It has been a silent fight in the darkness and a strength that comes from within. And, in that overcoming, glorious changes have occurred. 

 I have grown, shed years of baggage, shed old beliefs, shed fears that were holding me back. And my new pants size now reflects that release. And that is WHY I began 12 weeks ago. 

I want to thank my coach, Dave, my husband, my children, my family and close friends for their support, patience and belief in me. I couldn’t have done it without them. 

I needed to do this in order to move forward with my purpose in life; what I was brought here for. I challenged myself and remodeled my interior. And in doing so, the exterior now shines. 

I am more ME today than I have ever been and I cannot wait to see where the next chapter will take me!

Stay tuned, friends…..I’m just getting started!

We did it (Dave, Brian, fam and friends)….first we renovated, now we will RISE. 

“If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies 🦋 ”
Much love,

Linda 💜🦋🦋🦋

I’m really good at remaining calm for others.

 In sticky situations, with health scares, or if they are doubting themselves…I am a Rock. When it comes to myself, uh….not so much. And I am not sure why. 

I recently had some “unexpected ” questions about my body come up at a routine appointment. I was “logically” calm, but my anxiety took over and then…..I traveled down the rabbit hole, at a very rapid speed. 

I heard the Dr. say it was probably nothing, but I then proceeded to research the internet. Big mistake. I was reading an article on my phone, when my daughter looked over and said,”Mom, what are you doing?”  I said, “Reading”. She replied, “Weird, you are pushed back into your chair”. 

 Well, friends, yes. I was. I was in the beginning Stages of one of my awesome panic attacks. My body was Tense and I probably had eyes the size of flying saucers. 

And I thought…”Hey, I remember you “.  That racing heart, the burning face, the absolute panic that something horrific will happen at any moment. To me. 

I used to wake each morning, as a child, heart racing and in a sweat…sometimes before my feet touched the floor. You see, I never knew what I was waking up to each day. 

I grew up in an alcoholic home and that is a very scary, uncertain place to be. 

Fight or flight for me. 

As a child, I thought I was sweating because it was hot in my room. Maybe I’m shaky inside because of the hunger. And maybe, just maybe, my heart is racing because I had a nightmare I couldn’t recall. 

But, as I grew into an adult, got pregnant, had babies, had health scares, got injured, and at 42, had wisdom tooth surgery……I figured it out. 

It was a very familiar feeling each time I struggled with something unknown in regards to my health. Will I be ok? What if? What if? What if?

And down the rabbit hole I go. 

I recently accepted the fact that I have anxiety and panic attacks. Health related issues (in regards to myself) are my triggers. I did some reading and found that they can be triggered by anything for anyone. Unfortunately, adults that suffered childhood trauma are more vulnerable to them. And I fall into that category. I do recall being ill with different things as a child and feeling very frightened and helpless. Mom and Dad are drunk, not home, fighting…and here I sit, burning up with a fever, can’t swallow, and the list goes on. I am guessing it’s part of my childhood experiences. 

Great. Another hurdle to overcome from my past. 

This last time, I really did a number on myself. 

I felt like I was consumed by fear. I felt like my body was on fire and I could not get the awful thoughts of death and the worst case scenario out of my head. 

Then, I went in for that appointment. Calm, actually. I think because I was completely drained. And guess what?

All was well…. perfectly normal and healthy. Praise God. But then I realized, I wasted 4 days of my life, my joy, my happiness…..dwelling on a made up scenario????? 

Yup. Once again. 

To explain how dramatic anxiety makes your mind…here’s a random example. 

You cut your finger on a sharp piece of metal. It gets infected. Most “reasonable” people would bandage it and watch it. Anxiety pushes you to wonder if the infection will go into your blood, and you can’t afford a hospital stay, and what about your job, kids, all the plans you have made?!?!? Crazy hey? 

And very, very exhausting. It paralyzes you with fear. 

I became very aware of what my mind was doing this last time and even so, I feel like it won.  

In talking with a friend, I said, “I just don’t understand. I have great faith in God and know He loves me and would never harm me”. What is going on? Well, part of it goes back to the last blog I wrote. “Life is calm, good, I am happy…now I wait for the bad stuff to come”. 

My friend reminded me that I was out of alignment. FAITH and FEAR cannot be in the same room together. And next time, I need to choose. 

I let my FEAR control my mind and my life. The very thing I have been training myself not to do. 

So, I decided. 

Next time, I will fight harder to let go of the old record playing in my head. Life is good and God is good. 

Just because there is happiness, there doesn’t have to be trauma. I will pray harder and TRUST the plan God has for this life he has gifted to me. 

I won’t be afraid and if I am, I will pray the fear away. 

I share this, even, somewhat cautiously. As this is one of my darkest struggles. 

I have found, however, in sharing and releasing, there is freedom. 

I am real. I am broken. I am scarred. But I am perfectly made. 

I laughed when reflecting on the perception of my friend…..FEAR and FAITH cannot be in the same room. That was my advice to him….not so long ago. 

In order to talk the talk, I must walk the walk. I may just take a daily dose of my own advice from now on😉
And, on a more serious note….for those of you reading this, struggling with the anxiety/panic disorder demon, there is HOPE. Seek out a counselor, practice breathing techniques, workout, and don’t forget to GIVE it to GOD. 

He has your best interest at heart all the time. ❤

Be strong and don’t forget to always believe in the POWER of you. 

Gods got you. This, I know🦋
Much love,

Linda💜